"SKumm's Thoughts" - THE FOREST

"SKumm's Thoughts"

THE FOREST (2016, PG-13, 93 minutes, AI FILMS/LAVA BEAR FILMS)

In real life, there is a forest in Japan that distraught people go to kill themselves.

In real life, there are several producers, two screenwriters (the third one involved in the following, Nick Antosca, gets a pass, but only because he was a writer for the defunct TV thriller “Hannibal”), and a certain director that really should considering spending time in the aforementioned forest. 

Like, they should build a summer villa there.

Except for the alluring Natalie Dormer, THE FOREST is a freaking mess.  Her acting is superb (she plays twins, one looking for the other, who apparently did what the producers should have done and wandered into the suicide woods), she looks stunning even when she is covered in leaves, and her eyes mirror the haunted landscape like no other actress.

But everything else sucks.  The story is basic enough, and therein lies one of the several problems plaguing this “production”. By the time we start getting answers, you really don’t care anymore.  And then, when said answers come, you are left wondering “why?”  Not “why did this character do this,” or “why did that ghost do that.”  No, it’s more like WHY DIDN’T I GO WATCH STAR WARS VII AGAIN?!?  Or, WHY DIDN’T I STAY HOME AND STICK A FORK IN THE WALL SOCKET FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF?!? (AGAIN?!?!)

The landscape itself is brilliant for the first twenty-five minutes.  After that, you wonder why you are looking at extraneous shots of snails and moss.  Beyond that, it is dismally boring.  You would think that, for a haunted forest, there would be more going on in it.  But there isn’t.  And it sucks.  Surely, there are better places than this to kill yourself in.

Normally, I like to give you more than a few paragraphs-worth of my opinion, but this “movie” just doesn’t warrant it.  What does warrant my “attention” is the state of horror films today.  For instance, please note the rating: PG-13.  Outside of about three James Wan films, a clear marker for a movie that is targeted solely at teenage girls that want a quick scream followed immediately by irritating giggle-fits is that blasted PG-13 rating.

You see that rating for a horror film, you have a ninety-percent chance of witnessing celluloid stupidity.  And for a film that begins promisingly enough (the way the story unfolds for the first fifteen minutes is a unique and lovely bit of storytelling, but as soon as the script wanders outside, well, IT GETS STUPID), you can add this as the official fore-runner in Most Imbecilic Productions of 2016.

The least we can hope for is that every spirit haunting the real-life “suicide forest” will plague every person responsible for this snooze-fest—except for Natalie, of course.  Please, Ms. Dormer—stick to playing queens on cable television.  You kick ass at it, and deserve so much better than this…

Grade: D (only because of Dormer and that first few minutes—otherwise, this one doesn’t even deserve a rating)