Wednesday, January 6, 2016

"Blu-ray or Bust" - FANTASTIC FOUR


"Blu-ray or Bust"
FANTASTIC FOUR (2015, PG-13, 100 minutes, MARVEL STUDIOS/DISNEY)


I understand yet another fundamental reason why Marvel saved ANT-MAN as the big ending to “Phase Two”: it still had this turd in it’s arsenal.

Don’t get me wrong—there are a few redeeming qualities to this latest iteration of four people transformed into hero-like types by an otherworldly substance.  In the comics, that substance was radiation; here, it is a green energy goo.  It has the same consistency as “Slimer” from GHOSTBUSTERS.  But instead of just sliming them, the ooze gives one the ability to burst into flames, another becomes permanently ensconced in rocks, the lady of the group becomes a half-assed telekinetic, and the main man of the group, Reed Richards (Miles Teller, who is a long ways away from his masterful performance in WHIPLASH), becomes Stretch Armstrong.

Seriously.  It has to be the absolute lamest super power in the Marvel Universe.  Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan, from CHRONICLE and CREED) can fly and shoot fireballs.  Reed can pick your nose from twenty feet away.  Whoopee.


Josh Trank, whose last time in the director’s chair was for the 2012 slice of awesomeness called CHRONICLE, does okay with a script he helped to write.  But there isn’t a whole lot to do here.  The film gets uncomfortably boring at times, and at others seems so overloaded with CGI that you aren’t sure which part of the scene you should be looking at.  And the actors, for as good as they are at what they do, seem a wee bit lost here.  All are singular in their natures; we see no inner turmoil, no questions of faith or moments when their resolve falters.  It is like reading the first episode of a comic that, while it keeps you entertained at times, isn’t one you will be subscribing to.

And the last thirty minutes of the film seem too rushed to be of any consequence.  The introduction and rather quick vanquishing of super villain Victor “Don’t Call Me Doctor” Doom seems more like an after-thought.  Like they forgot about an antagonist, and rushed him in at the last minute so they could justify the necessity of this new team of heroes.

If you like pretty CGI scenery, buy this on Blu-ray.  And the score is good enough to play in the background while you are playing Halo or reading.  Or pooping.  Great soundtrack to poop to.  Otherwise, skip this stinker.  While it may be better than the last THOR movie, it is only marginally better.  Which is where those redeeming qualities come in: first of all, it is shorter than most Marvel films.  Secondly, it has the absolute worst CGI chimpanzee ever created, and you have to see it to believe it (it is one of the best unintentionally funny moments in recent film history, right behind the fake baby in AMERICAN SNIPER).


And, everyone needs at least one crappy movie during their career.  Here’s hoping Trank, who looked so promising with CHRONICLE, can dig himself out of the pit of despair and poopy that he dropped into with FANTASTIC FOUR.  For surely it was that same pit which caused him to get fired from the gig-of-a-lifetime: directing one of the STAR WARS spin-off films.  Which is kind of like being nominated for the Nobel Prize, but then an angry scientist rips the nomination from your hands and judo kicks you in the naughty bits instead.

You can do better than this, Josh…
             
           
Film Grade: D+
Special Features: C- (Honestly, who really cares?  There are three docs, all of which are packed with conceptual art and set pieces—and a bunch of people that all drank the Kool Aide and think they created a masterpiece.)
Blu-ray Necessary: Absolutely not!

- T.S. Kummelman

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