The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: CAPTAIN MARVEL

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on CAPTAIN MARVEL (2019, 123 minutes, PG-13)

The Quick of It -

The first round of Marvel films is nearing its end.  We have experienced our ups and downs… no need to mention which ones… (cough…Thor), but we now have the final films hitting theaters, adding one more name to the ENDGAME bucket.

There is a ton of history with the Captain’s legacy, and you must know DC had the name first to realize how much history is involved.  Legal battles and fighting to keep the intellectual property rights… a drama of its own.  In this film, we are presented with a later version of the CAP, a Marvel version, probably to focus on Marvel’s continued implementation of staying relative with mainstream topics.  CAP MARVEL’s central theme and call to action is the empowerment of women.  The truth though is that the theme is subtle this go-a-round, which I appreciated.  If nothing else, that is the whole purpose of superheroes anyways, to see as role-model material, not as a tool for social justice. 

This is an origin story that delivers that typical Marvel formula we have come to know.  Brie Larson (ROOM and THE SPECTACULAR NOW) dons the suit to fight… well, no spoilers.  She is joined by Samuel L. Jackson, Ben Mendelsohn, and Jude Law.  The script is simple enough, so easily dialed-in by the cast, having decent performances from everyone.  When the words struggled, we just shook it off and kept going, knowing we are talking about aliens and weird… stuff.  Hard to keep a sense of tension with this type of storytelling.

As a whole, this is an enjoyable film.  This project is led by the directing/writing team of Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck, a pairing that started long before this project.  I would say this outing will keep them working for a few more years in Hollywood.  The CAP has plenty of action and comedy to keep you entertained, and not bad for tackling an origin film.  Outside a few snafus in keeping to the standard rules of continuity, everything works.  (Although, those snafus still bother me.) 

But I am going to say the end product is still lacking… and probably a part of the negative buzz you hear.  I will point out from how I feel, there is nothing special that makes this film ‘remarkable’.  By that, I mean that if you are creating a story at such a high level, you want it to stand out, not fit in with the rest.  The CAP does not do this for me, not making me walk out of the theater thinking I watched something new and mind-blowing.  Too many trope plot points implemented to tell the story.  We all have seen this ‘story’ told a number of times, just with different people.  Proof of this deficiency – the cat steals the show.  That should not happen.

Grade: B+

‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (2018, PG-13/NR, 134/142 minutes, HEYDAY FILMS/WARNER BROTHERS)

It’s funny, what a few extra minutes can do.

In some cases, it makes an okay film great (WATCHMEN, BATMAN V SUPERMAN); those extra minutes, whether they are in the single digits or total dozens, can flesh out a story, make the characters richer and the story more meaningful than in its original release, even if you didn’t even realize the film could benefit so heavily from their inclusion (see: every HOBBIT/RING movie).

That being said, I wasn’t terribly pleased with the theatrical release of THE CRIMES OF GRINDLEWALD. The editing felt jumpy, the story clunky, the characters too one-sided. Watching it, I got the feeling that there was quite a bit missing from this messy, and at times overwrought, sequel. And I had high expectations for it; coming off the brilliant FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM, I was wholly invested in writer J.K. Rowling’s efforts as a screenwriter. So my disappointment with the second of a planned five-film story left me at odds. Could the series withstand this entry? Would it wind up costing the studio too much with future installments, seeing as how the gamble did not pay off with this one? (After all, the film cost an estimated two hundred million to make, and grossed less than that domestically. To be fair, it did cross the six-hundred million mark worldwide, but that is still cutting it close when it comes to the movie business.) And most importantly, would I be attacked by rabid Potterheads who see my reviews as nothing more than hobo vomit spewed from a fast-moving train hauling cow poo and cabbage?

With the video release of the film, I was pleased to see an extended cut of the film—and if it were not for the irritating inclusion of the words “Deleted Scene” every time one came up, this iteration of the film far surpasses the theatrical release. I can understand having to cut a film’s original runtime because of an audience’s possible fatigue, but at the cost of the story and the flow of the film…well, as a movie fan, it sucks donkey nipples. Back in the day, there used to be such a thing as an “intermission” (Google it, I don’t have time to fully explain…). Yet in this day and age of assembly line customer processing, theaters aren’t given enough time to provide viewers with breaks.

Thankfully, home video allows us the opportunity to see how the filmmakers originally intended a film to be seen. In the case of CRIMES, it helps tremendously. The story flows rather seamlessly now, and you are allowed more time to identify with and feel compassion for the plight of Credence (the marvelous Ezra Miller) and the doomed Nagini (the quite flexible Claudia Kim). The choice of Johnny Depp for sympathetic baddie Grindelwald makes more sense here, and Eddie Redmayne’s Newt Scamander has more time to shine with Jude Law’s Dumbledore. Essentially, when you put the disc in, head straight to the special features and watch the Director’s Cut.

Speaking of the special features, skip the second one. It’s basically Ezra Miller and Evanna Lynch (Luna Lovegood of the HARRY POTTER films) geeking out together, and adds absolutely nothing to the viewing experience. The others are your usual documentaries—nothing too special, but nothing else as bad as that second one.

The third chapter in the series is due out next year—in November, if the release date holds true to the others. With as much story as was packed into CRIMES, I hope that Ms. Rowling switches gears a bit next time. While I appreciate a Director’s Cut, it shouldn’t always be necessary.

Film Grade: B+ (the theatrical cut gets a B-)

Special Features: B

Blu-ray Necessary: You bet your niffler

-- T.S. Kummelman

‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - MORTAL ENGINES

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

MORTAL ENGINES (2018, PG-13, 128 minutes, SCHOLASTIC ENTERTAINMENT/UNIVERSAL PICTURES)

If for some ludicrous reason you find yourself in the store holding a copy of this film, you need to ask yourself a few questions.

Do it now, before you wander up to the checkout line and spend your hard-earned cash on it. Just take a minute and consider what you are about to do. How long did you have to work to be able to afford the $20 price tag? An hour and a half? Two hours? Two months, if you work in a Nike factory? You cannot get that time back, just like you won’t be able to get your money back if you don’t like the film.

You owe it to yourself to ask the following questions, and you need to pay close attention to the answers. First, are you considering this purchase because Peter Jackson’s name is on the cover? Because, while the man did bring hobbits and orcs and dwarves to glorious life in the HOBBIT and LORD OF THE RINGS films, not to mention that wonderful version of KING KONG, you should not allow his name alone to quantify your decision. He helped write the screenplay, and he is listed as a producer, but he did not direct this movie. First-timer Christian Rivers did. If it is the Peter Jackson brand you are looking for, go purchase DEAD ALIVE or HEAVENLY CREATURES. Thank me later.

Secondly, are you holding this film in your hand and replaying scenes from the book in your mind? Thinking how cool it would look to see giant cities rumbling across the broken earth, devouring each other as a means for fuel to keep these behemoths running? Looking for that young adult/steampunk vibe that is an as yet unexploited theme in Hollywood? Get yourself some anime. I’d recommend FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST, STEAMBOY, or even HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE as better alternatives. HOWL’S is barely recognizable as steampunk, but it will at least distract you from the memories of that one time you almost bought a really crappy film…

Now ask yourself: do I deserve this? You might also ask yourself if you deserve a swift kick in the naughty bits. Or a punch right on your left eyeball. If these are things that you indeed believe that the universe owes you, then by all means PUNCH YOUR OWN FACE. Just put this movie back on the shelf before you begin. You deserve better—hell, the worldwide viewing audience deserves better—than questionable acting, bad dialogue, and predictable story. The only reliable actor on hand is Hugo Weaving, but you aren’t supposed to be rooting for him here. Although if he turned into Agent Smith from THE MATRIX partway through, it might have actually saved this steaming bucket of shark vomit.

You see, there are some things in life that you cannot avoid. Taxes, death, blackheads, gray pubes—all inevitable results of reality. Those bastards follow you everywhere. But this movie? Totally avoidable. Put the movie down and go wash your hands—you may know where that movie isn’t going, but you have no clue where it has been. Or what sort of diseases it may be carrying.

Now, you see that discount bin over there? The giant wire corral with thousands of Blu-rays piled in it? Guaranteed you can find four better movies in there. Start digging.

Grade: F

Special Features: F (The only special feature worth watching would be one in which the entire cast and crew do nothing but apologize for half an hour. And that one ain’t on here.)

Blu-ray Necessary: Hell to the N

-- T.S. Kummelman

‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - A STAR IS BORN

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

A STAR IS BORN (2018, R, 136 minutes, MGM/WARNER BROS.)

Bradley Cooper can just have my damn money. Seriously; if I could figure out how to have my paycheck directly deposited to his account, I would.

It isn’t that A STAR IS BORN is a perfect movie—it is not supposed to be, and it is not. The characters are flawed, there is a slight issue with pacing, and, call me nostalgic, but this iteration of the classic tale is occasionally too smart for its own good.

But…DAMN. For his directorial debut, Mr. Cooper certainly did tackle a timeless cinematic tale, and he did so with a sure and confident hand. They say that actors make great directors, and that is certainly the case here. Not only is his own performance outstanding, but what he gets from pop artist Lady Gaga is astounding. I knew she had a great voice, but to see how much she’s grown as an actress since her questionable turn in “American Horror Story” is one of several high points.

Another is Mr. Cooper’s own ability to sing. At one point in the film I wondered, briefly, if there isn’t anything the man can’t do. I admired his performance in LIMITLESS, and fell in love with his artistry in SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK. But his layered performance here is predictably heartbreaking. We know from the start that Mr. Cooper’s Jackson Maine is a troubled man; he is a self-destructive alcoholic, one with a troubled family past that nearly ended with his own death. It seems that his voice is really all that he has left—that, and a brother that is getting tired of his crap (Sam Elliot, the film’s hesitant conscience). But Jackson is a star, and everyone just seems to want to make him happy, and not necessarily do what is best for him. Enter Lady Gaga’s Ally, a waitress who performs once a week at a drag bar. Her mastery of a French song gets Jackson’s attention, and it is there that their love affair begins.

That is one of the tricks of the story by Eric Roth (MUNICH, THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON) and Mr. Cooper; this isn’t just a simple story of two people that fall in love. It is also about the love they feel for what they do. As Ally comes into her own, exploring her own voice and where in the competitive world of music her voice belongs, we witness the love between her and Jackson change. Such layered performances make these distinctive characters resonate, makes their particular journeys that much more meaningful.

Of course I’m going to tell you to purchase this on Blu-ray—it is necessary for the soundtrack alone. But there is also a certain raw beauty to cinematographer Matthew Libatique’s (VENOM, STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON) eye; he follows the goings on as a voyeur, giving us up close and personal views of the dramatic realities playing out through the characters. There are several special features included in the release, including a 30-minute long behind-the-scenes which includes interviews with just about everyone. But there are also additional performances that were cut from the initial release, all of which are must-see’s if you enjoyed the concert performances.

Next up for Mr. Cooper is a biopic concerning Leonard Bernstein. Once again, he’ll star and direct. Can someone please get me his address? I’ve already got a money order for him…

Film Grade: B+

Special Features: A

Blu-ray Necessary: Most Definitely

-- T.S. Kummelman

‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - ROBIN HOOD

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

ROBIN HOOD (2018, PG-13, 116 minutes, SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT/LIONSGATE)

You’ll have to forgive me this week; I’m struggling to find something good to say about this movie.

Hold on…wait…there’s a…

…nope. It sucks. Plain and simple: I cannot find anything remotely redeemable about this…this thing. I cannot refer to it as a “movie” or a “film”, as that would insult those that actually work hard to obtain that status. I also cannot refer to it as a “train wreck”; lots of good people have sacrificed their lives to lend a serious tone to that phrase, and they certainly would not want to be associated with this endeavor. I would use “bucket of monkey turds”, but I’m afraid I would be offending those hard-working monkeys, and I do not need the Primate Union beating on my door.

Allow me to get to the point: remember all of those other films about Robin Hood, the hero that stole from the rich and gave to the poor? GO WATCH THEM INSTEAD. I’ll even throw in that Kevin Costner travesty in the mix—even that is better than this. First-time screenwriters Ben Chandler and David James Kelly (apparently, he needs three names to emphasize his suckiness) have taken the classic tale you know so well and giving it a giant overhaul with crayons made out of goldfish poop and sadness. It’s really that poorly written. And having Otto Bathurst (who could have just stuck with one of those names to emphasize his suckiness) direct it doesn’t help. Honestly, it’s like a bunch of coked-up kindergartners hacked into screenwriting software and threw up all over the screen.

For starters, don’t expect the costumes to follow any historical themes. Even the peasants wear shiny black leather, and the women attending balls wear high heel stilettos (not invented until the 1950’s, thankyouverymuch). Next, don’t expect the classic characters to follow their original parts and/or paths. This is referred to as “reimagining” of the stories, which basically means the writers were allowed to bastardize EVERYTHING. Also, physics apparently did not exist in the time period in which this “reimagining” takes place. Neither did gravity, wind, and/or dependable combustibles (at one point, a wall of fire is supposed to spring up behind a row of bad guys, and it only lights halfway…there is a brief pause…aaaannd then the rest is magically lit). Oh, and carts pulled by horses could drift. And accents come and go—Jamie Foxx tries for Arabic, then just gives in and goes full British—until he gets angry, then he’s All American, baby!

The CGI here is reminiscent of my pre-school drawings, meaning that an epileptic sea monkey could have drawn this crap better. There are a lot of fight scenes, but it is mostly with bows and a marvelously endless supply of arrows. If you want to see great choreographed fight scenes, I recommend 1938’s THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD, with Errol Flynn as Robin; this was actually the second film I ever purchased on laser disc, and is arguably the best iteration of the legendary hero. If I ever happen so see this particular version of the story on laser disc, I’m sacrificing my player to the Old Gods.

So, really, DON’T WATCH THIS. Watch anything but this. Two other great films were recently released on Blu-ray: BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, and A STAR IS BORN. Go watch those; they are actual films, and will actually illicit an emotion out of you other than boredom. Or anger for having wasted your money. Yes, go watch BOHEMIAN—it shows Queen playing at Live Aid, whereas ROBIN HOOD is more of a sleep aid. You’re welcome.

Film Grade: F

Special Features: The outtakes are boring, the deleted scenes should be a lot longer (by, like, 116 minutes), and there is a really short making-of doc that justifies your using this as a death Frisbee come the zombie apocalypse.

Blu-ray Necessary: Oh hell no!

-- T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL (2019, 122 minutes, PG-13)

The Quick of It -

Director Robert Rodriguez gives us a glimpse into a future that will probably never come to be… but it seems a dystopian blast!!!  Okay, maybe not in the best way.

With James Cameron, you know the AVATAR and TITANIC guy, is behind the screenplay, the project is going to have a strong worldbuilding aspect.  And again, bringing up Rodriguez, of the DUSK TILL DAWN and the “Matador” ethos, action is promised at a high level.  Yes, a lot of name-dropping to help paint this unfortunate tragedy befalling this picture to understand the struggle…

ALITA is set into the far future, where the use of tech has come to dominate the world.  This is the last industrial complex of humanity.  Only the ruthless survive… until Alita comes along.  Falling as scrap from the floating city, Dr. Dyson Ido (Christoph Waltz) finds her and uses his renowned skills in cybernetics to bring her ‘back’.  Alita (Rosa Salazar, a MAZERUNNER alum) begins to piece together her lost memories.  As the story unfolds, which in some ways the weakest facet of the movie, we discover many things… but are still left wondering on others.

Jennifer Connelly, Mahershala Ali, Jackie Earle Haley, and Ed Skrein round out the cast.  As you can see, all the pieces are there for a great movie.  The characterizations are just as vibrant as they are dark and menacing, fitting the setting at the extremist levels.  The tone is there but the continuous action keeps you from really empathizing with the truly dismal life that exists below the floating city, a place held in high reverence as no one ever goes up. 

The imagery is on par with other super-CGI settings, all details included to give the scenes grit and glamour, even if not enough attention is given to making the setting a central piece.  You are rushed about, as with the character storylines, with the action sequences being the frontrunner of the pacing.  This is not a bad thing as the action is amazing in choreography, but you feel like you missed out on so much. 

So, the problem is that this movie brings nothing to the table.  Yeah, blasphemy from all the hype surrounding the actors and people behind the lens.  We have a crap-ton of superhero movies, so plenty of action to go around.  We have ample futuristic settings filled with death and ruin, like the disastrous MORTAL ENGINES.  We have award worthy interpersonal movies that dive deep into the human psyche, to include objects.  ALITA has just enough of each but doesn’t embrace a true theme to call their own.  Being based on a manga, they have had pages to do all the story-building they want.  A movie… not so much. 

In the end, the $200 million budget will sink any idea that this film was a success.  I suggest you sit back with some popcorn in a comfy chair and just enjoy the battlebot show.

Grade: B-

‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - THE GRINCH

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

THE GRINCH (2018, PG, 88 minutes, ILLUMINATION/UNIVERSAL PICTURES)

It felt kind of weird, watching this film in February. I live in Maine, so yes, there is still snow on the ground, which lends to my surroundings a wintry air. But it is no longer Christmas—the snow that falls now isn’t the same you wish for in order to have a more befitting holiday. It’s the kind that you dread a little, as in “still have another month of shoveling”, or “this outta make for a fun walk to work today”.

In other words, the Christmas spirit is understandably lacking. It would probably help to watch DR SEUSS’S THE GRINCH in December, when that most treasured of holidays—especially from the retail point of view—is within reach. But the lack of a brightly lit and passably decorated tree in my living room doesn’t mean this is a film you should ignore. Remember what Ron Howard attempt in 2000? The one with a poorly cast Jim Carrey as The Grinch? With all the creepy looking Who’s in Whoville?

Well, Universal Studios decided to give us something to replace that odd, dismal film. Instead of allowing a classic twenty-six-minute television cartoon to be turned into a movie four times that long, they have offered the world a tale told like the classics which precede it. You’ve listened to me whine about the unnecessary length of some of the recent animated features before, but Universal keeps this one under an hour and a half, and it is the tight, imaginative storytelling which saves this film. That, and the incredible animation. The wunderkinds at Illumination have crafted a story that is touching, relevant, and extremely funny, and have wrapped it in sharp animation that pays homage to its predecessor and creates a sense of wonder which overshadows that prior attempt. There is something glorious about seeing all those lights in Whoville, and the attention to detail in the animation is precise and breathtaking.

Directors Yarrow Cheney and Scott Mosier, working from a script by Tommy Swerdlow and Michael LeSieur, keep the pacing consistent throughout. There are no lulls in the storytelling or the laughs, and the cast does a wonderful job in making you care about the goings-on of a tale you probably already know. The standouts are Pharrell Williams as the narrator, whose lyrical delivery makes you want to reread the book (out loud, and with his voice), and young Cameron Seely as Cindy Lou Who. Ms. Seely does a fantastic job capturing the nuances and attitudes of a child (probably because she is one, but her comedic timing nears brilliance in certain moments). Benedict Cumberbatch is an interesting choice for The Grinch; he is confident and spontaneously erratic (when needed), and at times seems to channel only the better moments of Jim Carrey’s attempt at the role. Yet he makes it his own when it comes to his delivery and his commitment to the material; whereas Carrey never seemed to stop being Carrey, you feel the change in Cumberbatch’s Grinch. Occasionally, though, you wish Cumberbatch would just let loose a little more; his delivery is, again, confident, but there are points it falls flat.

The special features are a bit lacking, however. There are three new animated shorts from Illumination: two featuring the Minions, and one with Max, the Grinch’s loyal dog. None of them are entirely necessary, and only one of them provides consistent laughs. Meaning they all feel sort of out of place here. The other special features—making of docs—are short, and light on information. They mostly feel more like commercials than they do behind-the-scenes featurettes.

So yes, do purchase this on Blu-ray. The detailed animation and the great soundtrack necessitate the higher quality format. But please, do watch this when the snow outside is of the more festive variety. Your holiday spirit can thank me later.

Film Grade: B+

Special Features: C

Blu-ray Necessary: Absolutely

- T.S. Kummelman