‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - MORTAL ENGINES

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

MORTAL ENGINES (2018, PG-13, 128 minutes, SCHOLASTIC ENTERTAINMENT/UNIVERSAL PICTURES)

If for some ludicrous reason you find yourself in the store holding a copy of this film, you need to ask yourself a few questions.

Do it now, before you wander up to the checkout line and spend your hard-earned cash on it. Just take a minute and consider what you are about to do. How long did you have to work to be able to afford the $20 price tag? An hour and a half? Two hours? Two months, if you work in a Nike factory? You cannot get that time back, just like you won’t be able to get your money back if you don’t like the film.

You owe it to yourself to ask the following questions, and you need to pay close attention to the answers. First, are you considering this purchase because Peter Jackson’s name is on the cover? Because, while the man did bring hobbits and orcs and dwarves to glorious life in the HOBBIT and LORD OF THE RINGS films, not to mention that wonderful version of KING KONG, you should not allow his name alone to quantify your decision. He helped write the screenplay, and he is listed as a producer, but he did not direct this movie. First-timer Christian Rivers did. If it is the Peter Jackson brand you are looking for, go purchase DEAD ALIVE or HEAVENLY CREATURES. Thank me later.

Secondly, are you holding this film in your hand and replaying scenes from the book in your mind? Thinking how cool it would look to see giant cities rumbling across the broken earth, devouring each other as a means for fuel to keep these behemoths running? Looking for that young adult/steampunk vibe that is an as yet unexploited theme in Hollywood? Get yourself some anime. I’d recommend FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST, STEAMBOY, or even HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE as better alternatives. HOWL’S is barely recognizable as steampunk, but it will at least distract you from the memories of that one time you almost bought a really crappy film…

Now ask yourself: do I deserve this? You might also ask yourself if you deserve a swift kick in the naughty bits. Or a punch right on your left eyeball. If these are things that you indeed believe that the universe owes you, then by all means PUNCH YOUR OWN FACE. Just put this movie back on the shelf before you begin. You deserve better—hell, the worldwide viewing audience deserves better—than questionable acting, bad dialogue, and predictable story. The only reliable actor on hand is Hugo Weaving, but you aren’t supposed to be rooting for him here. Although if he turned into Agent Smith from THE MATRIX partway through, it might have actually saved this steaming bucket of shark vomit.

You see, there are some things in life that you cannot avoid. Taxes, death, blackheads, gray pubes—all inevitable results of reality. Those bastards follow you everywhere. But this movie? Totally avoidable. Put the movie down and go wash your hands—you may know where that movie isn’t going, but you have no clue where it has been. Or what sort of diseases it may be carrying.

Now, you see that discount bin over there? The giant wire corral with thousands of Blu-rays piled in it? Guaranteed you can find four better movies in there. Start digging.

Grade: F

Special Features: F (The only special feature worth watching would be one in which the entire cast and crew do nothing but apologize for half an hour. And that one ain’t on here.)

Blu-ray Necessary: Hell to the N

-- T.S. Kummelman