“80’s Vibes and Gooey Bits: Your Stranger Things Season II Primer on NETFLIX”

“80’s Vibes and Gooey Bits: Your Stranger Things Season II Primer on NETFLIX”

October 20^th will see the premiere of the second season—or, “Book 2”—of Netflix’s breakout hit “Stranger Things”.  To get you prepared, here is a smattering of films available on the streaming service to help prepare you for the craziness.  From movies released in the eighties, to ones that are soaked in that special, icky vibe.  Here is what you need to watch so you can totally geek-out to all your friends and point out references in the sophomore season.  Besides, it’s fun watching people navigate their lives without the aid of cell phones and the internet!

STRANGER THINGS

(2016, TV-MA, NETFLIX ORIGINALS)

Duh.  If you haven’t watched it yet, crawl out from whatever corporate rock or communist dictator (see: spouse) that is keeping you from doing so.  You don’t have to be a fan of the eighties to appreciate what the Brothers Duffer created.  A young boy goes missing, and it is up to his friends—and a mysterious girl with the worst haircut in the history of girls—to save him.  Creepiness abound in the small town of Hawkins, Indiana, and each episode, presented as a chapter (and complete with the same lettering used on most of the Stephen King books that were released during that period), is rife with dread, humor, and the unbearable heaviness and joyful freedom that comes with being an adolescent.  Go watch it.  NOW.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN

(1984, R, 92 minutes, NEW WORLD PICTURES)

A pre-“Thirtysomething” Peter Horton and a pre-TERMINATOR Linda Hamilton star in one of the few decent adaptations of a Stephen King short story.  The two lovers are travelling across Nebraska when they run into trouble outside a small town that has been taken over by evil little bastards—I mean, kids.  Most notable among these devil worshipping ankle biters is the death-dealing “Malachi” (Courtney Gains) and the creepy Isaac (John Franklin, who was actually twenty-five but totally pulled off the role of a kid, which makes it even creepier).  These two characters are evil incarnate—one is a violent teen with homicide in his heart, and the other is an ageless little zealot with insanity in his eyes—and while one’s acting skills are a bit questionable, his presence more than makes up for it.  Franklin, though, is a standout performer, as is Robby Kiger as the smarty-pants “Job”—scene stealers, they are.  And don’t get turned off by the hokey animation and gonzo “special” effects at the end; this is an hour-and-a-half of fun.  Creepy fun, but fun nonetheless.

GREMLINS

(1984, PG, 106 minutes, WARNER BROTHERS/AMBLIN)

Joe Dante’s Christmas classic (it’s as much a seasonal favorite as DIE HARD, so don’t sass me) is the definition of eighties horror.  From the humorous script (written by none other than Chris Columbus of THE GOONIES and YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES fame) to the necessary actors of that decade—including Phoebe Cates and Judge Reinhold before they attended RIDGEMONT HIGH, and a so-young-it-hurts Corey Feldman—this movie has it all.  A young man is given a new pet for Christmas, and the rules that come with caring for this creature are brief and quite specific.  Of course, rules get broken, and mayhem in the form of gleefully homicidal little monsters ensues.  Tis the season anyways, so you might as well re-watch the mayhem.

THE VOID

(2016, NR—definitely for MATURE audiences, 90 minutes, CAVE PAINTING PICTURES)

Chockful of nods to its gory predecessors, this moody, little gem is one of the best love letters to eighties horror ever committed to celluloid.  I saw only a handful of CGI effects during the entire film, which makes this horror stand out from a lot of the others.  You have writers/directors Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski to thank for that—both worked in the effects and make-up departments for SUICIDE SQUAD, “Hannibal”, and the wonderful IT.  Their appreciation and attention to detail make this splatterfest a must see, especially since Netflix doesn’t have a whole lot of horror films from the eighties available to stream right now.  And the camera work by cinematographer Samy Inayeh is striking—much more than you would expect for a low-budget genre film.  The story centers around a small group of people stranded at a rundown hospital, which is surrounded by robed a-holes with knives who are more interested in keeping the folks inside so the interdimensional terror within can run its course.  Reminiscent of THE THING, HOUSE, and EVIL DEAD—all 80’s staples currently not streaming—this one will prep you for the gooey-goings-on in the upcoming season.

HEATHERS

(1978, R, 118 minutes, 20^TH CENTURY FOX)

Director Michael Lehman (“True Blood”, “Dexter”) serves up a script by Daniel Walters (BATMAN RETURNS) which contains some of the best dialogue of any 80’s flick.  The acting by Winona Ryder is a perfect complement to her performance in “Stranger Things”; here, she is a bright high school student caught in the vicious web which is inherent to school cliques, confident but doubting the motives of her popular friends (who all share the name “Heather”).  In walks Christian Slater (doing his full-on Jack Nicholson impersonation), who coerces her into offing the other students who offend her moral code the most.  The result is gallows humor, high school rebellion, and teen angst turned up to the Nth degree.  A true classic, and again, it has Winona in it.  Consider yourself primed!

-- T.S.Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE (2017, 141 minutes, R)

The Quick of It -

To say I was skeptical of seeing this film… that would be an understatement.  The trailer did nothing to entice me in any way.  My movie ‘juices’ were not stirred.  Not even the hint of a ‘movement’.

THE GOLDEN CIRCLE is the sophomore release of this potential franchise.  It is an attempt to ride the English-ruffled coattails of the first.  KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE found an audience that probably even surprised the studio, making grossing over four-times the project’s budget.  One critical aspect of this accomplishment, there is a clear departure from the normal spy films, making for a thrilling ride with ‘classy-crass’ humor.  The formula worked.

I get it.  You want something shiny and new to offer in the second film.  Something that will get people talking… again. 

To start, this follow-up includes the same writing and director core, with director Matthew Vaughn (of KICK-ASS and X-MEN: FIRST CLASS) leading the charge.  The cast is a stable filled with proven actors and familiar faces.  Not much has changed from the outside… until you sit down to watch.  The quality of writing and the incessant need to outdo the first by making major deviations from what made the first so successful and pushing the throttle level as high as you can go is not the trick.  That is a quick way to ‘poop’ out.

Its greatest failing is adding the American cousins to the storyline.  The Kingsman is hit, obliterating the majority of their organization.  When the Americans are introduced as their emergency plan, it feels so contrived and like a pandering to the notion that Americans always need to save the day.  Not a smart move.  There was so much potential lost by making this departure, everything the audience wanted to learn more about in this installment.  As a strong example, the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE’s beginnings.  Why would you take away the teamwork that made the TV show so great right at the start of the movie?  Why?  It took two movies to recover the franchise.  Well, taking away the Kingsman’s structure that it was built upon in the first film, its robust history that was teased, you really are left with nothing but rubble.  And, rubbish.

The first action sequence sets a tone that is never surpassed, not even by the conclusive action sequences.  ‘Piss-poor’ story development.  And then Julianne Moore as a shallow nemesis going by the name of Poppy does nothing beyond bland jokes and nostalgic references.  And her henchman are the worst excuses of knock-off Bond sub-villains.  Her intelligence and blasé attitude does nothing to make you understand how she became such a powerful drug lord.   There were so many plots holes, you could better spend your time counting the bumps on your popcorn ceiling. 

The Americans include Channing Tatum, Halle Berry, Pedro Pascal, and their leader, Jeff Bridges.  Just a bunch of fake cowboys tied to the whiskey world.  Lame… and an insult to whiskey.  The only, and I mean only, win is Bruce Greenwood as the President of the United States.  He had the right idea… sorta.  You see, Poppy’s brilliant idea is to poison her customers and hold the U.S. hostage until she is given the freedom to conduct her ‘business’ in the states.  He saw it as a win for the war on drugs.  Really couldn’t argue with that logic.

I would say ‘pass’ on this one.  Just ‘flush’ any thought of watching the ‘Golden (Toilet) Circle’ from your mind.

Grade: D+

‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - THE MUMMY

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

THE MUMMY (2017, PG-13, 111 minutes, UNIVERSAL PICTURES/DARK UNIVERSE)

Way back in 1999, Brendan Fraser starred in a reboot of Universal’s THE MUMMY. He teamed with Rachel Weisz under the confident direction of Stephen Sommers, who reimagined the source material as a fun and fantastical “Indiana Jones Meets the Evil Dead” type of affair.

Fast forward eighteen years, and Universal decides to give the old “reboot the monsters bit” another try.  With Tom Cruise.

Eww.

Don’t get me wrong—some of Cruise’s recent efforts have redeemed him a bit in my eyes, most notably in EDGE OF TOMORROW and the last few MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE films.  But here, he is just… eww.  His co-star/love-interest in this endeavor to breathe new life into the Universal Monster Universe is Annabelle Wallis (“Peaky Blinders”); nothing against her acting ability, but if you are looking for the same chemistry that ignited the 1999 effort with Fraser and Weisz, look elsewhere.  The majority of the actors here do a swell job, but the story relies too much on Cruise and Wallis having a thing for each other by the end of the film, and I ain’t buying it.

The story concerns a thief (Cruise) employed by the U.S. military who steals a map that leads to something way above his paygrade.  And, apparently, way above his I.Q.  You see, Cruise’s Nick Morton is pretty much an idiot.  He is the Costello (sorry, Lou—you are way smarter than this moron) to Wallis’s Abbott (sorry Bud, but she looks way better in a wet t-shirt); slow, clumsy, and usually has a far-away look in his eyes that is meant to portray visions or thought, but makes it look more like he is trying to remember his lines.

The film is not a complete waste; the standouts here are Wallis, and Sofia Boutella (she was the sword-legged assassin in the first KINGSMAN) as the evil Ahmanet.  But the scene stealer is Russell Crowe as Dr. Henry Jekyll—yes, THAT Jekyll, who even gets to let his Mr. Hyde out.  He is always the smartest one in the room, and, apparently, is the only one that thinks the film would be better off if Cruise’s character was pushin’ up the daisies.  And while Cruise’s usual smarmy charm is lost this time out, it is refreshing to see his typical screen presence being outshined.  It’s like someone pushed the mute button on him, and it worked for his entire body.

This film, a modern retelling of a basic idea, considers the word “update” to mean more action, less thought, and bigger set pieces.  The stunts are fine, if not a bit out of place in a monster flick, and the loss of intelligence is no big surprise (how many smart people do you usually find in a horror-ish film, anyways?).  Now, the sets… an inside look at a mad scientist’s lab?  Large and elaborately built tombs? Creepy sarcophaguses?  Yes, please!  The production design is stellar, and deserves better than a jackass stumbling about it.  Also, the score by Brian Tyler is reminiscent of the grand, epic films of those bygone eras; it, too, deserves a better spot than trying to add levity to a scene with Cruise looking like he is desperately trying to figure out if he should have trusted that last fart.

Next up for Universal’s reboot campaign (headed under the “Dark Universe” franchise name) is BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN.  Javier Bardem is attached to star, and Bill Condon (he did the surprisingly awesome remake of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST) is set to direct.  We can only hope this next installment will have a bit more heart than this one.  More heart, and a lot less CrEWWse.

Film Grade: C+

Special Features:

Blu-Ray Necessary: If you must…

- T.S. Kummelman