'Blu-ray or Bust'
HARDCORE HENRY (2016, R, 97 minutes, STX
ENTERTAINMENT/UNIVERSAL)
Halfway through this… film… I got offended.
Now, it takes a lot to offend me; I’m the guy that only got
mildly offended by Quentin Tarrantino’s excessive use of the s-word (and that
other one…) during DJANGO. I don’t like racism, social intolerance,
anti-Semitism, anti-gay, anti-anything that is frowned upon just because a
ninety-year-old doesn’t care for it. But it takes quite a bit to actually cause
me to stop watching a movie.
HARDCORE HENRY offended me in such a way that I had to pause
it, walk away from it, then come back and think on it some more. I managed to
get probably a half hour further (at that point, there was only twenty minutes
left to watch, but there are also starving children in Slovakia, and I can’t do
anything about them while I’m wasting time with this crap) and I was revolted
by what I was witnessing.
What gave me my initial pause was this one, singular
thought: ‘this movie is one poorly structured mess’. BOOM, I hit the pause
button. You see, I, myself, am a “poorly structured mess”. So to think that
about a film offended me to the deepest, darkest reaches of my chubby and
slightly hairy core (by “slightly hairy” I mean “why is there just a square of
hair on my belly and no other hairs on my entire freaking torso?!?”).
Essentially, I offended myself. To call this “movie” a “poorly structured mess”
means to offend every poorly structured mess on the planet.
So, instead of offending myself further, let’s just say that
this movie is stupid. There is a plot here, but when you have to rely on
typical video game pacing and storytelling to move YOUR FREAKING MOVIE along,
it doesn’t add up to much by the time you get offended and shut the damn thing
off. There is only one redeeming quality to this film: Sharlto Copley. Anytime
he is onscreen, you get a break from the action, and the script gets a break
from its intended levity. His performances—as no two are quite the same—are
individually the only thing to look forward to. Every time he dies off (and if
me not flashing my SPOILER WARNING sign ruins the film for you, you too are a
Poorly Structured Mess, my friend) is the only time you are going to laugh or
even slightly relax during this turd-bucket of a movie.
There is a stupid plot involving “Henry”, who has been
resurrected from the dead by his wife. While being outfitted with a mechanical
arm and a leg, his wife and her stupid lab buddies get interrupted by a stupid
bad guy, who for some reason has telekinetic powers. Which is stupid. The rest
of the movie is first person parkour, stunts, a few nifty special effects, and
a whole lot of bad edits and stupid dialogue.
I wish I could tell you that the special features made up
for the inanity of the script, but the only features on the Blu-ray are deleted
scenes, the commentary (no way in hell was I re-watching another minute of that
squid-turd to find out how the stupid people that made this film felt about
EVERY STUPID SCENE), and something called “Fan Chat”, which sounds a lot like
two jackasses sitting on a velour couch in one of their grandmother’s
basements, geeking out over first-person-shooters and how quickly their supply
of Jolt Cola is dwindling.
You guys should all know me by now; I’m a geek, and proud of
it. But, honestly, I could have been watching cover songs by street performers
on YouTube instead. Or feeding those hungry kids in Czechoslovakia. Anything
but this…
Grade: D-
Special Features: F
Blu-ray Necessary: Why? Why are you still reading this? GO
FEED A HOMELESS CHILD WITH THE MONEY YOU WOULD WASTE ON THIS STUPID MOVIE.
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