"Blu-ray or Bust" - THE FOREST

"Blu-ray or Bust"

THE FOREST (2016, PG-13, 93 minutes, AI FILMS/LAVA BEAR FILMS)

In real life, there is a forest in Japan that distraught people go to with the sole intent of killing themselves.

In real life, there are several producers, two screenwriters (the third one involved in the following, Nick Antosca, gets a pass, but only because he was a writer for the defunct TV thriller “Hannibal”), and a certain director that really should considering spending time in the aforementioned forest.

Like, they should build a summer villa there. Maybe a treehouse.

Except for the alluring Natalie Dormer, THE FOREST is a freaking stupid mess. Her acting is superb (she plays twins, one looking for the other, who apparently did what the producers should have done and wandered into the suicide woods), she looks stunning even when she is covered in leaves, and her eyes mirror the haunted landscape like no other actress.

But everything else sucks. The story is basic enough, and therein lies one of the several problems plaguing this “production”. By the time we start getting answers, you really don’t care anymore. And then, when said answers come, you are left wondering “why?” Not “why did this character do this,” or “why did that ghost do that.” No, it’s more like WHY DIDN’T I GO WATCH STAR WARS VII AGAIN?!? Or, WHY DIDN’T I JUST GO TO TURN THE OVEN ON BROIL AND SLAM THE SCORCHING DOOR ON MY NAUGHTY BITS FIFTY TIMES?!? (AGAIN?!?!)

The landscape itself is brilliant for the first twenty-five minutes, not to mention the rather unique and technically brilliant way that director Jason Zada begins his tale. After that, you wonder why you are looking at extraneous shots of snails and moss. He sets you up, grabbing your attention in a way you don’t normally see in a horror film—and then it gets dismally boring. You would think that, for a haunted forest, there would be more going on in it. But there isn’t. And it sucks. Surely, there are better places than this to kill yourself in.

I could spend the rest of this article complaining about the current state of horror films, and that, outside of about three James Wan films, a clear marker for a movie that is targeted solely at teenage girls that want a quick scream followed immediately by irritating giggle-fits is that blasted PG-13 rating. But climbing upon that soapbox and using this stupid exercise in suck would just draw attention to this film, and I don’t want that. Believe it or not, there are better examples of stupid you could waste your time with.

As for the Special Features, there is one, and, while it is better than the final two thirds of this crapfest, it still isn’t worth you spending the money on this. Don’t even rent it from the Redbox. If someone even starts telling you about this “film”, immediately punch their face.

In fact, having written this review is me telling you about it, so you’ll have to excuse me—I feel the sudden need to go ninja-kick my own face.

Film Grade: D (only because of Dormer and that first few minutes—otherwise, this one doesn’t even deserve a rating)

Special Features: D+

Blu-ray Necessary: Only if you plan on traveling to that forest in Japan anytime soon

-- T.S. Kummelman