‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - SIBERIA

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

SIBERIA (2018, R, 104 minutes, BUFFALO GAL PICTURES/SABAN FILMS)

You ever feel like having a sit-down with a director?  A face-to-face, so you can explain the facts of life (see: effective storytelling) to them?  Maybe check to make sure they are on the right medication?

First time director Matthew Ross needs one of those talks.  So does Scott B. Smith, the man who wrote the gloriously noir A SIMPLE PLAN.  They both need a good talking to, based on what they have provided us with in SIBERIA.  Don’t get me wrong; I wanted to like this film.  It has several key elements going for it from the start, which, for the first few minutes, is a nice breath of fresh air.  You get Keanu Reeves as an international diamond seller, who, from the start of the film, is in trouble.  There are several touches at the start which are reminiscent of Hitchcock, and of the great Robert Aldrich (I’m thinking the noir of KISS ME DEADLY, more than the battles of THE DIRTY DOZEN).  The cinematography by Eric Koretz is surprisingly masterful; he captures the Russian countryside (okay, it was actually filmed in Canada, but damned if he doesn’t make you believe it’s Russia) with a careful, seemingly wizened eye, despite the fact that this is only his fourth studio film.

If you can forgive the typical Hollywood screenwriting trappings, you’ll make it through the first fifteen minutes okay.  At least until you get to the first scene with the gorgeous and wonderfully talented Ana Ularu (“Emerald City”, INFERNO); her presence is a welcome, exquisite mark of beauty upon a story which isn’t quite moving at the right pace.  And no matter how much Koretz’s camera loves the wilderness and Ms. Ularu, soon after her introduction, the film loses focus in such a way that nothing going on really seems worth your time.

While trying to hornswoggle the Russian mob boss, Reeves’ shifty Lucas Hill sorta kinda falls in love with Ms. Ularu’s Katya (which is easy to do).  So the film goes from Hitchcockian thriller to an Aldrich kind of hardboiled noir to a love story/booty call, and then to a caper, and some more love, and then…oh, bloody hell.  Honestly, kids, just watch every scene she’s in, and fast forward through everything else.

Seriously.  First five minutes, fast-forward about ten, watch Katya, fast forward again, watch more Katya…you get the picture.  Or, hopefully, you actually DON’T get the picture.  The movie wants to be far too many things for it to be taken seriously as any one thing.  It isn’t a problem with mixed genres, it isn’t a problem with crime vs. romance vs. action vs. moral dilemmas.  It is a matter of clunky storytelling.  It’s like being in a car with someone that can’t drive a stick shift and keeps grinding the gears (me, for instance).  It’s like watching a spider monkey trying to have relations with a shark.  It’s like watching me trying to fit into an XL instead of the 2X.  It’s just uncomfortable to watch much of the time, and it makes you wince a lot (or, as in the case of me with the shirt, it makes you look away, and perhaps wash your eyes out afterwards).

I have no issues with Mr. Reeves—I’ve always been a fan, even when my friends accuse him of being wooden.  He isn’t wooden.  He’s just brooding.  Internally.  And really, really still.  I almost didn’t have a problem with the story—until it got downright insulting.  Seriously, how many times do we have to see characters make the same stupid mistakes?  HAVE NONE OF THEM EVER WATCHED A FREAKING MOVIE BEFORE?!?

Ahem.  Sorry (not).  Listen; ultimately, you just want to stay away from this one.  The cinematography and the wonderful job by Ms. Ularu isn’t enough to save this stinker.  Nor is the fact that, unlike many other films that take place in other countries, the casting director actually hired real-life Russians and/or people from that actual continent to act in this film.

And the other thing which irritated me like a thigh rash in summer humidity?  The fact that I had to watch TEN company logos at the beginning of the film.  It used to be that if there were more than two writers, you could expect a film to suck marmoset nipples; now, it’s how many freaking production companies insist on having their names on the front of something.  As if having their name in the opening credits wasn’t enough, they all wanted to take their friends to the movies, point, and say, “see?  Besides my logo, the only other gorgeous thing you’re gonna see is Ana Ularu.”

Indeed.

Film Grade: D

Special Features: Seriously?  If you think for one minute I’m wasting any more time on this…

Blu-ray Necessary: Oh hell no

- T.S. Kummelman