'Blu-ray or Bust'
ASSASSIN’S CREED (2016, PG-13, 115 minutes, 20TH CENTURY
FOX/NEW REGENCY PICTURES)
Dear Michael Fassbender:
I love you. Not in a “want to see you naked kind of way”, of
course—even if you are at the top of my Go-to-Gay-Guy List.
Rather, I love your style, your commitment to whatever film
you are making. You have become one of the more prolific actors of my time; you
go from drama (FRANK) to western (the brilliant SLOW WEST) to Shakespearean
(MACBETH) in the blink of an eye. But having your exceptional skills on display
in genre films is what sets you apart from any other actor working today. My
favorite role of yours thus far has been as “David” in Ridley Scott’s
PROMETHEUS; the subtle need you bring to the role, from David’s longing to connect
on a human level to the moment he gives in to his own mechanical and logical
programming, is nothing short of mesmerizing. Not to mention your take on
“Magneto” in the X-MEN franchise.
But, dude. I’m sure that the idea of turning video game hit
“Assassin’s Creed” into a film sounded awesome. Instant moneymaker, right?
Great special effects, Jeremy Irons, exquisite attention to detail with the set
design and the science behind the film, and you as the lead actor? All the
ingredients you need for a blockbuster hit, correct?
Unfortunately, somebody forgot about the script. Or decided
that it should be aimed solely at thirteen-year-olds that don’t think a
mechanical apple from God is a stupid plot device. I don’t want to take away
from your performance—as usual, you, sir, are a passionate artist whose love of
the craft shows through in every role you play. Not your fault that, at its
core, this just really is not a great movie.
I mean, everything looks good. From the weapons to the abs
to the stunts and effects, the movie LOOKS fantastic. But it isn’t. I hate to
be repetitive, yet… a freaking holy APPLE?!? That just happens to hold the
genetic code for free will?!?
WHICH ONE OF THE SCREENWRITERS WAS SMOKING CRACK WHEN THEY
CAME UP WITH THE STUPID APPLE?!! They couldn’t come up with a different holy
relic to protect? Like the baby Jesus’s pacifier? The Technicolor raincoat was
busy? Hell, I know where the frickin’ arc of the covenant is being stored—all
you had to do was call!
I have to say that, outside of your performance and the
sets, the best thing about this Blu-ray release are the special features. Talk
about all-inclusive and detailed… I appreciate the attention given to every
aspect of how this pretty mess was created. Seeing the actual locations, the
concepts behind the costume design—not stuff you see in many releases, and I
enjoyed seeing the actual movie-making process instead of everyone sitting
around and talking about how much they like each other. It had these little
touches that sometimes lift the documentaries above the film itself.
Sorry, Mr. Fassbender. As much as I want to tell the world
how awesome another one of your films is, I honestly cannot with this one. The
biggest compliment I can relay here is that this film doesn’t deserve you.
But I do, so call me sometime, we’ll chat!
Sincerely,
T.S. Kummelman
Grade: C+
Special Features: A
Blu-ray Necessary: If you must
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