"Eggnog and Abject Caroling: The Other Christmas Stuff
You’re Missing on NETFLIX"
Comedy/Holiday Favorites
A VERY MURRAY CHRISTMAS
(2015, TV-MA, 56 minutes, NETFLIX ORIGINALS)
You owe it to Bill Murray to watch this entire show. And to yourself. But more for Murray. In
what winds up having the greatest last twenty minutes of any Christmas variety
show ever produced, Murray and company give you a tale of a failed Christmas
special with more cameos and guests than you could shake a pine branch at. The first half is charming and occasionally
humorous. The best part is finding out
what a reliable singing voice Murray possesses, and how much Chris Rock needs
lessons. But the biggest surprises (and
laughs) come at the forty-two minute mark.
You may not like Miley Cyrus, but that young lady blows every other
performance of “Silent Night” you have ever heard completely out of the
water. And George Clooney accompanying
Murray on a vaguely dirty “Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin’” is, quite possibly,
the greatest Christmas song ever recorded.
Watch it, and be amazed.
Documentary
I AM SANTA CLAUS
(2014, NR—definitely an “R”, 89 minutes, DOUBLE WINDSOR
FILMS)
Ever wonder what all of the Santa Clauses in the world do
between Christmas Day and Thanksgiving?
This film explores not only the ins and outs of being Santa, but what it
takes to become one in the first place.
Director Tommy Avallone and his crew follow several incarnations of the
famous elf year round, giving you behind-the-scenes insight into the everyday
lives of these special men. There is a
religious Santa, a lovelorn gay Santa, a Santa living off of social security,
and other Santa Clauses from all walks of life. One rather interesting story in the film is the transition of
real-life professional wrestler and author Mick Foley’s transition into Santa
Claus. The film is informative,
touching, and at times, downright hilarious.
Ever seen a drunk Santa? Or a
sexy bear Santa? At a Bear Convention,
no less? This movie's got you
covered. Just keep the kids away from
this one, okay? F-bomb droppin’ Santa
Clauses should not be witnessed by the young-un’s.
Epics
Sometimes, the best way to spend Christmas is with an epic
adventure, or a timeless tale from the past.
So if you find yourself with two-and-a-half hours to kill on Christmas
day, spend it watching something like, say…
GLADIATOR
(2000, R, 154 minutes)
Still a great story, and masterfully told by Ridley
Scott. A Roman father goes from warrior
to slave in this bloody tale of vengeance and retribution. Russel Crowe is the hero, Joaquin Phoenix
the douche-canoe bad guy, and the gorgeous Connie Nielson is the resident
hottie (you’ll remember her as the femme fatale in THE ICE HARVEST).
Or, if testosterone and something more holiday-like is your
thang, try:
LOVE ACTUALLY
(2003, R, 134 minutes)
Okay, not really an “epic”, but it is long, and tells
several tales of people connecting with one another, and the myriad types of
love there are. Funny, refreshing, and
not too corny, it is the overall scope of the stories which make this something
of an epic. And the run-time, that,
too.
Holiday Staples on Netflix
Comedy/Crime
BAD SANTA
(2003, R, 91 minutes, COLUMBIA PICTURES)
In case a peek into the real lives of Santa Clauses wasn’t
your thing, I present to you Billy Bob Thornton and a foul mouthed elf. Thornton plays a mall Santa whose sole
purpose in life is to steal as much as possible, spend eleven months of the
year drinking and paying for sex, then doing it all over again in December. The supporting players in this film
represent a treasure trove of comedy: Bernie Mac, John Ritter, Tony Cox, and
awkward Brett Kelly all get laughs, but this is a movie made for Billy Bob’s
gruffness and style. BAD SANTA is all
about inappropriateness, bad behavior, and redefining what you really think
about creepy mall Santa Clauses. This
is the movie you put on to drive away the old ladies and the church group.
THE ICE HARVEST
(2005, R, 92 minutes, FOCUS FEATURES/UNIVERSAL)
You’ve probably heard me clamoring over this tidy little
tale of dastardly doings before, but you are going to have to hear me say it
again: THIS FILM IS AWESOME. It’s not a
Christmas movie for the kiddies, but rather a cautionary tale for parents. And
great noir. And a richly drawn
character drama. And the funniest dark
comedy you will watch all year. Forget
the fact that it has the best ensemble of any modern era holiday film, and
forget that it is directed by Harold Ramis.
You are not supposed to like anyone in this story, but you will. You aren’t supposed to find any redeeming
qualities in these characters, but you will (for one of them, at least—and only
then when that poor schmuck asks for pancakes). Kick off the holiday season with thieves, murderers, strippers, MORE
Billy Bob Thornton, and John-freaking-Cusack.
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