The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: THE DARK TOWER

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on THE DARK TOWER (2017, 95 minutes, PG-13)

The Quick of It -

Welcome to age-crippled mediocrity.  You see, this story is born of the 80’s in the mind of one, Mr. Stephen King.  And, from his inspirations he drew on during that time, which highly influenced certain traits and key features of the story, you end up with something defunct.

THE DARK TOWER carries many of the common themes used for epic narration and was popularly used in the 80’s.  A ‘hero’ who has lost faith in himself and his cause.  A ‘villain’ that has insurmountable power and must inevitably be challenged.  An ‘innocent’ with the key to saving the world.  This is a common recipe for stories of that decade.  King even sited that his inspirations were drawn for the TOWER series from what many did during that period:  J.R.R. Tolkien for the sense of the journey to face an uncompromising enemy, Arthurian Legend to place the tools of hope in the hero’s hands, and THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY for the mysterious protagonist in a world filled with mistrust and the continuous fight for survival.  

The cast is unquestionably the perfect fit.  Idris Elba as Roland Deschain, the last ‘gunslinger’ and a man broken after the loss of his father.  The Gunslingers were guardians to the Dark Tower, but their numbers were thinned to one… him.  The Dark Tower is said to protect this and other worlds from the encroaching ‘darkness’.  The Man in Black, played by one of my favorites, THE Matthew McConaughey, is an inscrutable agent of the ‘darkness’, who’s a master of sorcery.  He wants to destroy the tower and allow the darkness to consume everything.  He knows that there is a child in the universe that has ‘pure shine’ and is scouring the various worlds to find him.  The ‘innocent’ is Jake Chambers, played by Tom Taylor (of ‘Legends’, which is one series I recommend watching).  He has enough spunk on his misunderstood and endearing role to pull it off and not disrupt the flow, a hard thing to do for most child actors, especially when they are the central character.

As a side-note, his mother is played by Katheryn Winnick, Lagertha of ‘Vikings’.  She may not have a big part but she will always be my blinding star.   

 

Director Nikolaj Arcel, better known in the industry for his writing, the largest title being THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO screenplay, does a decent job with this project.  The movie is not bad.  The dialogue works even with a premise that exercises your need to suspend reality on a higher level.  The cinematography displays rich environments and embraces the right amount of uniqueness to keep you interested in the visual presentation.  The acting, to include the minor characters, is not poorly handled.  Overall, the worst thing that may happen is you get slightly bored for a bit.

So, THE DARK TOWER becomes more of a nostalgic watch and a chance to see Idris slinging bullets in creative ways.  Oh, and Mattey simply telling people to stop breathing.  And they do.  Yeah, he is that bad ass.  He did kinda sells the film for me, outside of Idris.  Nothing like ‘almost’ rooting for the bad guy. 

Grade: C+

‘Blu-ray or Bust’- HOUSE ON WILLOW STREET

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

HOUSE ON WILLOW STREET (2016, NR—For Mature Audiences, 86 minutes, IFC MIDNIGHT/FAT CIGAR)

Sometimes, an independent horror film is released that you truly want to enjoy—if not for the original premise, then at least for the determination of the filmmakers to stand behind a work of art they truly believe in.

Take WILLOW STREET, for instance; the idea of the film is original, and puts a fresh spin on a few different genres.  Four ragtag criminals kidnap a girl with the hopes of ransoming her for a fortune in diamonds.  The only problem is that the girl is possessed, and makes their lives a living hell.  Original premise, right?  Nifty take on both genres, blending possession and anti-hero films, right?  So far, so good.

Then there are those films, low budget or otherwise, that are way too big for their britches.  They overextend their vision, they start biting off (PUN ALERT!) more than they can chew.  Occasionally, it is easy to overlook bad effects.  Occasionally, it is even not that difficult to overlook some bad acting.  And there are times that you can take the cheesy dialogue with tongue firmly planted in cheek.  But then sometimes, some jackass combines all of these things, and makes a movie based on a script that was apparently written by three whackos during a weekend bender involving bath salts, dollar store tequila, and one helluva bad case of crotch-rot.

Take WILLOW STREET, for instance.

I so badly wanted to enjoy this film, and I did—for the first two minutes.  By the twenty-minute mark, I was ready to turn it off.  Alas, occasionally I must put myself through something akin to being dragged naked over a field of broken glass, just so I can warn you, gentle reader, to stay away.  They say there is no art without suffering—well, consider this review your freaking Picasso of the Week.

I normally don’t do spoilers, but I’m tossing that idea right out the window this week.  Some films are just too… okay, look: I apologize to other films if I just insulted them by categorizing this steaming pile of cat poop that the dog just threw up as an actual film.  Mah bad.  Here, essentially, is a breakdown of the film: four idiots kidnap a possessed chick, she kills three of them.  In between the original beginning and the WTF ending, three “writers”—including the director—set up basic rules, then five minutes after letting you know what those rules are, begin making sh*t up.  They totally defy the rules they just told you.  Let’s try imagining how the scriptwriting process actually went down for this one:

“Okay, try this: four morons kidnap a possessed girl. Wait, no, I got it: three jackasses and a sympathetic female crook kidnap Satan—oh, dude, even better: two dumbasses, a decent actor with a penchant for making bad career choices, and a tough broad kidnap DARTH FREAKING VADER.  And then, Vader has to collect four souls so he can like, come to Earth.  Even though he’s already possessed someone and is already here.  And even though he’s already killed four people, so the job’s already done...okay, forget I just said that part.  But then we’ll, like, have a ghost come out of nowhere and start helping, because, you know, if anyone is still watching, they’ll totally buy into that BS.  And then The Master of Telekinesis gets caught but has to chew his way out of handcuffs. And then we’ll draw these really gnarly (see: bad) tentacles that come out of people’s mouths and wave around for five minutes like they’re making out with the air.  And then this all-powerful demon gets trapped in a van, and we’ll draw fire all over it, and then throw up the main titles like we just made art!  BOOM, dudes!”

If that’s what you want to watch, then by all means.  Please enjoy with your bath salts.  Just do yourself a favor and don’t buy this one—if you have to see it that badly, go watch it on Netflix.  Yep; three days after it was released on Blu-ray, it went right to Netflix.  Wonder what the bidding war was like for this turkey… (…okay, I apologize to all turkeys that may be reading this…)

Grade: F+ (one good actor and one decent actress brought this up from an “F-“)    

Special Features: Really?  Like that could be a defining factor here?

Blu-ray Necessary: Oh, for the love of low budget horror films, ABSOLUTELY NOT!

-- T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: ATOMIC BLONDE

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on ATOMIC BLONDE (2017, 115 minutes, R)

The Quick of It -

You want to know how to make an exciting action film?  Get an actor everyone loves, a script that has some ‘punch’, and a well-seasoned action director… or the next best thing.  Oh, and make it a period piece when action films were dominating the box office.

ATOMIC BLONDE has everything in place to succeed.  To start, Charlize Theron takes lead and puts everything on the line.  Everything…  Even having a stellar career that commands respect, she did not baulk at showing some… or a lot… of ‘skin’.  She plays Lorraine Broughton, a British Intelligence MI6 agent sent into East Berlin to help recover a list that can out entrenched spies and to get a Russian Stasi defector past the Berlin Wall’s military forces.  This is also taking place on the eve of the Wall’s fall, November 9, 1989.  As you can imagine, things do NOT go to plan. 

The second component is having a strong script.  ATOMIC BLONDE is based on Antony Johnston and Sam Hart’s graphic novel ‘The Coldest City’.  The Cold War was the pinnacle of spy tradecraft and the top-notch agencies depended on ‘human intelligence’ over technology, a true artform that should never be taken lightly.  There are a number of twists, again highly typical of 80’s flicks, and some seemingly unnecessary.  But again, we are watching a Cold War era film.  The odd thing is that I felt so wrapped up in the film, I never thought that there may be a ton of other films and TV shows with similar storylines. 

One may not say the film is a fresh take on spy films (outside the fleshy scenes), but it was entertaining.  This only proves the third element a proven requirement for any action film – someone who understands what ‘action’ is all about at its core.  The fighting choreography was almost on par with JOHN WICK.  That would be because director David Leitch has a stuntman background, and is an uncredited co-director to JOHN WICK… and soon-to-be director of DEADPOOL 2.  The cinematography and use of warm and cold color lighting brought out the graphic novel feel while putting a consistent, atmospheric presence throughout.

For Theron, there was no trivialized woman empowerment on show with her fighting scenes.  Yes, she kicked major ass but she suffered just as much.  Also, you can see her technique accounting for her lighter build when fighting trained men much stronger than her.  She uses leverage, hard impact points like elbows and knees, and various surrounding objects to get the job done.  And it feels natural and effective.

The rest just seemed minor once beyond Theron’s mission.  The French connection is one hot French Fry and should not be dismissed, but it only appeals to the 80’s love of sexual explicitness in films.  Unfortunately, Sofia Boutella (of THE MUMMY reboot) comes off seeming out of her acting depth, as well as her spy-depth as a newly placed French agent.  Even with a small part, I couldn’t buy in to her character.  James McAvoy is one hell of a bastard and the only other redeeming piece to the spy insanity as it unfolds.  He plays David Percival, an agent who went native from being too deep in the East-West turmoil.  A true survivalist, if you ask me.

ATOMIC BLONDE is a purist tribute to 80’s action films without compromising the cinematography or writing that plagued action films during that decade.  If you’re an 80’s brat, you are consistently filled with nostalgia and recall those crazy moments in history, making this a must see.

Grade: B+