“Fantastically Ugly Sweaters and Abject Caroling: The Other Christmas Stuff You’re Missing on NETFLIX”

“Fantastically Ugly Sweaters and Abject Caroling: The Other Christmas Stuff You’re Missing on NETFLIX”

While there are some notable omissions from this list, there are still a few classics and almost-classics for the holidays. Recently, Netflix lost the rights to BAD SANTA and THE ICE HARVEST, and DIE HARD hasn’t been available to stream in, like, EVER. However, there are a few good ones here, whether it be for family viewing or not-so-kid-friendly time.

Horror

 

A CHRISTMAS HORROR STORY

(2015, NR (treat it as an “R”), 99 minutes, COPPERHEART ENT.)

Oh, those wily Canadians! Christmas in the fictional town of Bailey Downs is in full swing, and so are the axes! Four mostly unrelated tales make this a film that delves into holiday legends (Krampus) and mythological beings (changelings), as well as a nifty “teenagers trapped in a haunted school” segment, and Santa battling the undead. Add William Shatner as a booze-swigging disc jockey trying to keep it together during Christmas Eve, and you have a whole lot going on in this bloody little flick. Plenty of dark humor and holiday SPIRITS (sorry, forgot to insert the PUN ALERT! bit…) for the adults in the family.

Additional Horror Selections: DEAD SNOW/DEAD SNOW 2—neither one of these has anything to do with Christmas, but there’s snow, and nothing says “Happy holidays!” quite like snow. And Nazi zombies.

Comedy/Bill Murray

SCROOGED

(1988, PG-13, 101 minutes, PARAMOUNT PICTURES)

If I even have to tell you about this film, there’s clearly something amiss with your priorities. Murray plays a modern (for the late 80’s, that is) Scrooge to an all-star cast of characters, including musician-turned-actor David Johansen as the Ghost of Christmas Past, and the scene stealing Carol Kane as a toaster-wielding Ghost of Christmas Present. The backstory of a big TV production makes for a nice follow-up to the “Very Murray Christmas” special…speaking of which…

A VERY MURRAY CHRISTMAS

(2015, TV-MA, 56 minutes, NETFLIX ORIGINALS)

I reviewed this last year, so I won’t make too much of a fuss about it again. But if you didn’t watch it before, do so NOW. While Bill Murray is as charming and fun to watch as always, the biggest surprises (and laughs) come at the forty-two minute mark. You may not like Miley Cyrus, but that young lady blows every other performance of “Silent Night” you have ever heard completely out of the water. And George Clooney accompanying Murray on a vaguely dirty “Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin’” is, quite possibly, the greatest Christmas song ever recorded. Watch it, and be amazed.

Additional Comedy Selections: THE REF pits high strung thief Denis Leary against a dysfunctional family during a holiday heist gone bad; THE PRINCESS BRIDE—nothing at all to do with the holidays, but watch it with your kids if you haven’t already. Seriously. They laugh, you laugh, EVERYBODY HAS A GOOD FREAKING TIME. And some movies were made for watching with family during the holidays. This is one of the best.

Documentary

I AM SANTA CLAUS

(2014, NR—definitely an “R”, 89 minutes, DOUBLE WINDSOR FILMS)

I told you about this one last year, and I’m going to tell you about it again. Director Tommy Avallone and his crew follow several incarnations of Saint Nick year round, giving you behind-the-scenes insight into the everyday lives of these special men. There is a religious Santa, a lovelorn gay Santa, a Santa living off of social security, and other Santa’s from all walks of life. There’s even the transformation of real-life professional wrestler and author Mick Foley into Santa Claus. The film is informative, touching, and at times, downright hilarious. Ever seen a drunk Santa? Or a sexy bear Santa—at a Bear Convention, no less? This movies’ got you covered. Just keep the kids away from this one; F-bomb droppin’ Santa’s should not be witnessed by the young-un’s.

Romantic Comedy

LOVE ACTUALLY

(2003, R, 134 minutes)

This romantic charmer tells several tales of people connecting with one another, and the myriad types of love there are. Funny, refreshing, and not too corny, it is the overall scope of the stories which make this something of a Christmas must-see. That, and Liam Neeson playing a single father…heartbreaking and masterful, his performance is.

JUST FRIENDS

(2005, PG-13, 96 minutes, NEW LINE CINEMA)

Ryan Reynolds is a skinny success story; returning to his hometown for the holidays, he reconnects with the funny and ever-so-attractive Amy Smart, who last remembers him as a chubby teenager. There is a rather smarmy humor to this film, which takes liberties with the high school reunion genre and makes romance as unromantic as possible. Watch out for Anna Farris; her comedy chops are borderline brilliant here. The toothpaste scene alone is worth watching the entire film for.

Science Fiction/Action

SPECTRAL

(2016, PG-13, 107 minutes, NETFLIX/LEGENDARY ENTERTAINMENT)

Okay, once again, NOT a Christmas movie. Think of it as Netflix’s gift to you, though. Billed as “science fiction/horror”, this light-on-the-horror, heavy-on-the-action film is what every ‘Sci Fi Channel Turd of the Week’ wishes it could be: smart, entertaining, and fun. Borrowing from several other films, this movie, while occasionally retreading old themes, still feels fresh. The effects are great, the plot moves quickly, and the cast is all in. Not a bad actor in the bunch, and nobody does anything too stupid. Well, okay, a kid does, but kids are stupid anyways, am I right?!? This movie really deserves its own review, but I’m including it here because, if anything, it delivers exactly what you want: a couple hours break from the crazy holidays. Besides, Bruce Greenwood is in it. And nothing says Christmas like Bruce Greenwood… (okay, I mighta stretched for the last one…)

-- T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: INCARNATE

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on INCARNATE (2016, 91 minutes, PG-13)

The Quick of It -

Don’t be fooled.  There have been some decent horror releases this year… this is not one of them.

The story concept has merit – a scientist has found a way to enter the subconscious mind of a possessed individual and expel the entity, or ‘parasite’ as he calls them.  A young boy, played by David Mazouz, of ‘Gotham’ and ‘Touch’ notoriety, becomes possessed by a powerful demon and the ‘self-loathing’ scientist is asked to help, finding out that this body-creeper is the one he has a personal vendetta against. 

The trap is set since you think Aaron Eckhart (of THE DARK KNIGHT, BATTLE LOS ANGELES, and OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN) as Dr. Seth Ember is involved in this project.  Damn them!  Wish I had been possessed for the time spent watching.

Director Brad Peyton, known for SAN ANDREAS and JOURNEY 2, makes a poor choice in trusting writer Ronnie Christensen’s (of PASSENGERS (2008)) story has something worthy of the silver screen.  It first felt like a ‘credit card film’.  Sure there were some interesting effects, but that did little to save the film.  The dialogue is atrocious.  So much so I chuckled at some of the heavy-drama moments.  The over-acting was crushing and the lines were just trite spiels and crappy info dumps.  You would expect this from a beginner in screenplay writing… and this is coming from someone not so practiced who noticed.

The only upside was that it is a brief watch that does move between scenes quickly and the score that accompanied.  The music was great and should probably be repurposed for another project.  Seriously.

Skip this one… sorry.

Grade: D

“Blu-ray or Bust” - DON’T BREATHE

“Blu-ray or Bust”

DON’T BREATHE (2016, R, 88 minutes, GHOSTHOUSE PICTURES/SONY)

Hollywood has found it in its blackened, regurgitative heart to pay closer attention to horror films these days.

Most of the crap-flicks now go straight-to-video; actually, as this here be modern times, most of it goes straight-to-streaming. There are much fewer horror films released in theatres these days than there were, say, back in the 90’s. The slasher film has had its heyday, and passed on like one of its teenage victims. Genetically bred monsters have retired to the subbasements of ill-conceived and overused government labs, and alien invasions have become a thing of yesterday (unless Roland Emmerich has his way…).

What now sneaks out of La La Land under the cover of darkness and original ideas are horror films that give a slight nod-and-a-wink to those films of bygone eras and leave them far, far behind. I’m talking smart horror films, kids. Movies that are intelligent little nuggets of terror, which use basic premises and turn them on their heads. By lending a more psychological element to the proceedings, directors and writers have turned our definition of ‘horror’ on its bloody, bludgeoned head. Horror no longer necessarily means there HAS TO BE a giant monster, or that there HAS TO BE an un-killable maniac with a machete or a giant freaking knife.

 

IT FOLLOWS was groundbreaking because it lifted the “teen has sex, teen dies” bit of the 80’s to horrifyingly new and smarter levels. Yes, there was a monster, but you couldn’t always see it, and it never looked the same. The first INSIDIOUS film took the ghost story and re-wrote the rules, which director James Wan repeated with the equally good THE CONJURING.

With DON’T BREATHE, director/writer Fede Alvarez (the man behind 2013’s EVIL DEAD remake) goes one step further: he brings along a cinematographer who waxes poetic all over your face, like a ruptured carotid artery of visual assault. The way this film is shot is enough to make this required viewing; from the wonderfully shot sequence of the team of burglars/friends looking through the house of ‘The Blind Man’, to the amazing all-dark photography that lets in brilliant flashes of color whenever a shot is fired…

There are enough subtle touches both behind and in front of the camera to make you want to re-watch specifically for certain elements. But all technical aspects aside, watch this because of Stephen ‘Freaking’ Lang (AVATAR, “Terra Nova”). His performance of the blind homeowner who finds himself defending his house against three able-bodied teens is nothing short of (OBVIOUS PUN ALERT) breathtaking. I don’t like spoilers, so I cannot say much about him, but you have to watch closely to catch all the little things he brings to the job. The rest of the cast is good—Jane Levy (EVIL DEAD, “Suburgatory”) as “Rocky”, our morally questionable heroine, is especially effective—but this movie belongs to Lang… and to cinematographer Pedro Luque (ABC’S OF DEATH 2)…

… and to that damnable maze of a house. Oh, and musician Roque Baños.

Just go watch the dang movie before the sequel comes out, ‘kay?

Film Grade: A

Special Features: A (several short docs that give you peeks behind all of the magic—just enough to make you appreciate the finished product even more, without the boredom of one half-hour doc where everyone talks about how awesome the gaffer was)

Blu-ray Necessary: Abso-freakin’-lutely

-- T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: ALLIED

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on ALLIED (2016, 124 minutes, R)

The Quick of It -

Period pieces can be a hit-or-miss for me.  Sometimes they feel like a Hollywood white wash of the actual time period, fitting it to what they need for the story.  ALLIED could be one of those, but I didn’t care as I was enthralled once the lights went dark.

ALLIED is about an airman, acting as an intelligence officer, who falls in love with a French Resistance fighter during a mission in North Africa.  Brad Pitt, as Max Vatan, plays a foolhardy and deadly serious soldier willing to go great lengths to accomplish his mission.   Marion Cotillard (of INCEPTION, DARK KNIGHT RETURNS, and LA VIE EN ROSE) plays Marianne Beausejour, a very capable and confident displaced agent.  After a daring mission in Casablanca, they fall in love and then wed once they are reunited in England.  Not long after having a child, her loyalty comes into question.  The organization that Max is attached to believes her to be a German spy.  The standout here by far is Marion.  She makes you fall in love, even beyond caring if she is a traitor.  Her self-expression and well-spoken interaction sells you beyond the screen.  You cannot help but feel crushed at the possibility, and to such lengths, that you would spirit her away to protect her.

Director Robert Zemeckis is rightly known for powerful stories: CAST AWAY, FOREST GUMP, FLIGHT, THE WALK.  He has proven himself before and again, showing he has not missed a beat in his extensive career.  His ability to pull the project together, complimented with the cinematography of Don Burgess, makes for a grand experience visually.  As an example, they incorporate camera shots for the car scenes that you would expect to find in films during that era, and then use modern technology for the illusion of traveling down streets and everything going on outside.  The incredible results are a testament to this film.  Even the bombardments taking place in the skies of England make you feel as if you are on the street watching in awe and horror.

There is not much to harp on as the story centered on their love, a sense of genuine expression, while the war continues around them.  Everything seems to fade in the distance as their bond grows.  The rooftop nights in Casablanca, that is where you will find me.  If only to fall in love like that…

Grade: A