"SKumm’s Thoughts" - X-FILES: WEEK V

"SKumm’s Thoughts"

X-FILES: WEEK V

“The X Files” (FOX, 1993, 9 Seasons)

Whereas last season started with a sputter, the fifth one starts out strong, creating the first three-episode arc the series has seen.  You want alien conspiracy?  In your face, beotches.  You also get one of Gillian Anderson’s finest seasons to date; the woman was always a great actress, but the depth she shows here, in 1997, is amazing.  If she happens to be reading this: Gillian, I will gladly give birth to your children for you.  Seriously.

SEASON 5

Episode 1 & 2: Redux Part I & II

Not to spoil anything, but remember when I mentioned in the last article that MULDER’S DEAD?  Yeah, I lied.  In these two fast-paced episodes, the race is on to find the cure for Scully’s cancer…really, it’s the third main character by this point, we should have named it…okay, from here on out, we refer to Scully’s cancer as “Bob”.  The race is on to find a cure for Bob.  The Lone Gunmen are back, the Cancer Man cries, and Scully gets her science on.  Because she’s tired of Bob. (Digital Drawback: fake belly Christmas lights)

Episode 3: Unusual Suspects

The “birth” of the Lone Gunmen includes a damsel in distress, a naked Fox, and the “return” of a previously decommissioned government baddie.  (Digital Drawback: superfast dot-matrix printers)

Episode 5: The Post Modern Prometheus

MOTW, but totally fun, with an absorbing story and a terribly awesome ending.  Shot in black and white, and taking place in a rural town that seems caught in the fifties, this is a take on the Frankenstein/genetic mutation genre you do not want to pass up. 

Episodes 6 & 7: Christmas Carol/Emily

A story arc resonating from Scully’s abduction, to say too much would be giving away too many spoilers.  But there’s this kid.  And she’s related to Scully.  Like, related to her ovaries.  And someone brings up Bob.  That is all.

Episode 9: Schizogeny

Quite possibly the worst dialogue ever written for the show, and the worst attempt to capture the angst of teenagers.  Decent story, but you should probably avoid this MOTW. (Digital Drawback: that woman needs to shave—like, HER ENTIRE FACE)

Episode 10: Chinga

Ah, coastal Maine.  The fresh air, the fresh seafood, the evil doll.  This season had some excellent MOTW episodes, and this possessed doll was classic.  Just double-check your surroundings next time you hear “The Hokey Pokey”…

Episode 11: Kill Switch

The Lone Gunmen meet their dream-babe in the stunningly gorgeous Kristin Lehman; she plays a hacker that has a computer program trying to kill her.  If the episode feels familiar at times, keep in mind that this came out over a decade before Johnny Depp’s TRANSCENDENCE movie, and actually does a better job with the story.  And, uh, Kristin Lehman.

Episode 12: Bad Blood (or, The One With Luke Wilson and That Kid From Sandlot)

There’s a vampire running amok in Texas, and he looks just like that kid that uttered the classic line, “you’re killin’ me, Smalls!”.  The charm and humor of this MOTW tale is in the he said/she said aspect, told from differing points of view by Mulder and Scully.  Funny, tight writing, and excellent performances.

Episodes 13 & 14: Patient X/The Red and the Black (The Ones With Veronica Cartwright)

In a season that is very Scully-centric, the story line here is a turning point for our heroine and her belief structure.  Mass exterminations of abductees are sweeping Russia and the U.S., and The Syndicate shows how evil they really are.  Oh, and yeah, Alex Freakin’ Krycek.  And Scully meets a woman that has Bob.  Bob’s a really slutty bastard, isn’t he?

Episode 16: Mind’s Eye (The One With Lilli Taylor)

Taylor gives an outstanding performance as a blind girl with the World’s Biggest Chip on her shoulder, who happens to get visions from the point of view of a bad, bad man.  And the final scene with her and Mulder…touching.  Not enough of that in this show.  (Not that kind of touching, you perverts…)

Episode 17: All Souls

Revisiting the religious aspect of the supernatural, the agents are thrust into a game of Good vs Evil as Heaven and Hell battle over souls.  Another strong, devastating performance by Anderson, showing you precisely why she was nominated four years in a row for her performance as Scully in both the Emmy’s and the Golden Globes—alas, she only won once for each award.  But this episode is one of her best.

Episode 20: The End (The One With Mimi Rogers)

Someone is trying to kill a ten-year-old chess master, who just happens to be psychic.  This one brings back a dead man—AND Alex Freaking Krycek.  And the end of this season is just…HORRIFYING.  Once again, it looks like The X-Files department is being shut down.  Really, Chris Carter?  How many times do we have to use the SAME STINKING CLIFFHANGER… However, we also get our first glimpse of jealous Scully.  She doesn’t like Mimi Rogers.  She probably wishes that slut Bob had gone up Mimi’s nose holes, too. (Digital Drawback: Gosh, that product placement is sooooo subtle…)

T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: HITMAN: AGENT 47

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on HITMAN: AGENT 47 (2015, 96 minutes, R)

The Quick of It -

AGENT 47 was a film made to entertain.  The story only loosely pulled from the Hitman game atmosphere and didn't carry the same charm found in the first film.  Skip Wood was the lead screenwriter for both film projects but, unlike the first, AGENT 47 was written to move fast, quickly transitioning with the plot shifts and reveals.  This compromised the more touching moments, making them feel out of place and cheapened the overall experience.  The source of this divergence could be attributed to the addition of Michael Finch (known for PREDATORS and THE NOVEMBER MAN) in the writing of the script or going from Xavier Gens (a French director) to Aleksander Bach (a German director) as the director, reflecting the dissimilar regional teachings and style.  It was like going from a Luc Besson to a Michael Bay.  The action held its own and Rupert Friend was a descent agent (although I still would have liked an Olyphant sequel).  AGENT 47 was just a good one-shot watch.

Grade: C+

'Blu-ray or Bust' - UNFRIENDED

'Blu-ray or Bust'

UNFRIENDED (R, 2015, 82 minutes, BLUM HOUSE/BAZELEVS PRODUCTIONS)

Oh, how social media can be a bitch.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m a big fan of Facebook.  Through the wonders of technology, I have been able to reconnect with people that were probably trying their best to forget me (sorry, mom).  High school pals, college friends, even an ex-girlfriend—most have accepted my friend requests (quite possibly out of guilt, but hey, I’ll take it), and I feel better for having each and every one of them in my life. I have friends that send me words of encouragement, friends that like the unfortunate pictures of my hair, and friends that let me know when I’m being a total jackass.

Thank goodness I have been a geek for most of my life and never did anything stupid.

UNFRIENDED tells the story of six high school friends, all in the same video chat group, who on the anniversary of the suicide of a prior friend start meeting rather unfortunate deaths.  The tale, directed by newcomer Levan Gabriadze, plays out through a computer screen, a technique that worked (mostly) for a few other movies.  It is especially effective here, and adds a sense of voyeurism that, despite what starts to unfold, you just cannot look away from.

Written by Nelson Greaves, who has a few episodes of “Sleepy Hollow” under his belt, the story explores the world of internet bullying and offers a supernatural slant that builds slowly, yet never lets up on the tension.  The only problem I have with it is the ending.  Sometimes, it seems like the horror genre produces a movie that has a great build up, a well drawn-out story, but doesn’t know how to stop itself.  The ending here seems a little much—no spoilers, but I’m not sure the last fifteen seconds are really necessary.

The attention to detail in the film is wonderful.  From the occasional screwy visuals of a webcam, to the song selection in a music library, there is a whole lot to look at while enjoying a nice tunes.  Oh, and the gory deaths…you thought the use of a blender in YOU’RE NEXT was interesting, UNFRIENDED amps it up a notch.

Spend the extra few dollars on the Blu-ray (and not just because of the gore, or the almost-boobs).  Like I mentioned, there is a lot to see here, and the visual glitches play out better in the digitized format.  However…the biggest drawback to this disc?  No special features.  At all.  Nothing.  No behind-the-scenes, no interviews, no anything.  Not even a commentary by the caterers.  Give it a few weeks, and it should be in the ten-dollar section.  Seriously, one of the worst presentations by a studio in recent memory.  It’s like they dumped it onto disc because they felt obligated.

Cheap, lazy bastards.

While I abhor online bullying, I think that in this case, if you want to bully someone, bully Blum House.  Even though I didn’t like the ending, and even though they’ve already announced a sequel (really, why not? It only took about a million to make, and the box office total was over thirty-mill in the U.S. alone…), I say give those jerks what-for.  For the product that was released, it feels disrespectful to not give those involved a pat on the back with a few interviews and some exposition of some sort.  Easy way to get yourself unfriended…

Film Grade: B

Special Features: F

Blu-ray Necessary: Recommended

T.S. Kummelman

"Obscurities and Abject Pandering: What You’re Missing on NETFLIX"

"Obscurities and Abject Pandering: What You’re Missing on NETFLIX"

NEW ARRIVALS

Drama

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD

(2014, R, 101 minutes, FOCUS FEATURES)

Quite possibly the sweetest Armageddon movie ever made.  Steve Carell and Keira Knightley star in a movie about a man and woman’s road trip to reunite him with his high school sweetheart as a giant space rock hurtles toward earth.  The science behind this movie is all in the human behavior around Dodge and Penny as they travel; they witness humanity at its best, and worst.  There are little touches in this film that make it quietly affecting, and sometimes downright humorous.  Don’t go in expecting to see awesome explosions and landmarks being destroyed; the greatest special effects lie in the quiet and honest performances of Carell and Knightley.  And the dog named 'Sorry'.

IF I STAY

(2014, PG-13, 107 minutes, DINOVI PICTURES/MGM)

Worried about Chloë Grace Moretz not expanding her horizons and being pigeon-holed into genre films (see: LET ME IN, DARK SHADOWS, CARRIE) for the rest of her life? Check out her latest, the story of a girl in a coma who apparently has the choice of whether to live or die following a tragic car accident.  She shows new depth with the role of “Mia” than in everything else she has ever done—and I love her early stuff.  Brilliant in LET ME IN and the first KICK-ASS movie.  Here, she proves that not only does she have a future in Hollywood, but Hollywood will have a better future with her in it.  I watched this one with my daughter; she cried.  I hid it.

MEAN GIRLS

(2004, PG-13, 97 minutes, PARAMOUNT PICTURES)

This should be required viewing for any girl entering high school.  Starring Lindsey Lohan and Rachel McAdams as two girls vying for the same guy, popularity takes on a whole new meaning as their scheming takes on new heights.  Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are also on hand, as is Tim Meadows, playing quite possibly the 'Greatest School Principle Ever'.  There is a marvelous soundtrack, genuinely funny moments, and a pre-whacko Lohan.  It’s like HEATHERS meets Ridgemont High, just with no killing.  Or smoking vans.

New Release vs. Old

Instead of:  THE WOMAN IN BLACK 2: ANGEL OF DEATH (which tries to recreate the atmosphere of the first—the setting is creepy, but the cheap scares are not)

Watch: THE AWAKENING (a 2011 film that is moody, dreary, creepy, and does everything WOMAN IN BLACK 2 tries to do but fails to deliver on—a rather effective ghost story that will leave you thinking)

Instead of: THE COBBLER (I lasted through exactly twenty-three minutes of this film, and then promptly forgot everything I had seen by hitting myself in the face with a hammer fifteen times)

Watch: BIG DADDY (Sandler’s last really good film, with a scene stealing performance by everyone else in the film, including Rob Schneider and Jon Stewart)

Make up a queue kids, and put me to work!  Suggestions are always welcome, so get creative!  I’m always up to new challenges!

T.S. Kummelman

"SKumm’s Thoughts" - X-FILES: WEEK IV

"SKumm’s Thoughts"

X-FILES: WEEK IV
“The X Files” (FOX, 1993, 9 Seasons)

SEASON 4, 1995

Season 4 had an auspicious start to it. Actually, it was downright depressing at times. It got dark, emotional, and, in some instances, uncomfortable... just because it seemed like Carter & Co. were trying really hard to get everyone that wasn’t watching to pay attention.
 

Episode 1: Herronvolk
A disappointing start to the new season, really. Sure, it’s action packed—that indestructible alien bounty hunter is still on the loose, there’s DEATH BY BEES (shudder), weird “Village of the Damned” kids, and kind of a pivotal moment for Scully. But the end… hey, at least they followed it up with:

Episode 2: Home
This episode should be taught to screenwriters, actors, directors, lighting technicians, hell—make the damn gaffers watch it, too. Seriously one of the most intense, not to mention creepiest, forty minutes of television ever created. Controversial at the time, and hardly touched by any other copy-cat TV show since, this tale of small town inbreeding elicits too many emotions to keep track of. And you will never listen to Johnny Mathis’s “Wonderful, Wonderful” the same way ever again. One of the most important non-alien episodes you could watch. (Digital Drawback: Deputy Voice-over)

Episode 4: Unruhe
Veteran character actor Pruitt Taylor Vince plays “Gerry”, a creepy bastard with shifty eyes. He was the ability to alter photographs, clues which Mulder has to decipher to rescue Scully. Seems Gerry likes to kill pretty women… like I said, “creepy bastard”…

Episode 5: The Field In Which I Died
Like the season hasn’t been depressing enough: now we get to see Mulder cry, Scully yell at him, past life regression vs. multiple personality disorder, the World’s Worst Kool Aide, and a creepy cult leader with six wives. Hell, gotta hand it to him—I couldn’t handle one, and he’s got six of ‘em?!?

Episode 7: Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man
ALMOST everything you ever wanted to know about The Cancer Man. Get a forty-minute peek into the brain of The X-Files biggest enemy, and learn why he ultimately has a thing for the Little Green Men. The historical references make you hate him, but the rationale which drives him makes him (sadly) more human. But it’s okay to still hate him… (Digital Drawback: seriously, other smokers on the show INHALE, pansy…)

Episode 8 & 9: Tunguska/Terma
He’s baAack! Krycek resurfaces (wait, wasn’t he locked up in a missile silo with a space ship?!?), leading Mulder to a meteorite with that icky alien goo in it. Lives are at stake. There’s a gulag. But on a high note, it also happens to be Abuse Alex Krycek Week! FOR TWO WEEKS!!

Episode 12: Leonard Betts
Important because an E.M.T. made of cancer (really, it happens) who has an awesome knack for diagnosing people with cancer (commonplace, really) lets Scully in on a little secret. Far be it from me to reveal any spoilers here, though… but he doesn’t tell her she has The Clap…

Episode 13: Never Again
Mulder channels The King, and Scully bumps uglies with a tattooed killer. Seriously.

Episode 14: Memento Mori
Okay, important episode. Key words: cancer, multiples, The Cancer Man, mommies, and The Lone Gunmen. Think that about covers it.

Episode 16: Unrequited
MOTW, in the form of a wrathful Vietnam Veteran who can become invisible. This episode featured the Vietnam War Memorial, and a biting satire on how the U.S. has a history of treating its heroes badly. One of the faster paced procedurals, with just a hint of conspiracy. (Digital Drawback: The Batman Goatee)

Episodes 17 & 18: Tempus Fugit/Max
Multiple Abductee Max is back—well, kinda. Only this time, the poor epileptic RV dweller from the tenth episode from the first season gets sucked out of an airplane instead of a motor home. Bad news for all the other passengers… plus, the military cover-up is in full gear. (Digital Drawback: are you really trying to outrun a Hummer on the beach... ?)

Episode 23: Demons
What do three suicidal abductees, amnesia, and a Mulder with other people’s blood on his shirt add up to? Weirdness. (Digital Drawback: Scully absolutely cannot park a car.)

Episode 24: Gethsemane
Yes bartender, I’d like an alien, chilled. An alien on the rocks? How about an ETcicle? A scientist discovers an extraterrestrial frozen in Canada, Scully gets bullied, and the season ends on a slightly familiar note: MULDER IS DEAD. HOW THE HELL WILL THEY GET OUTTA THIS ONE?!? WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT SEPTEMBER TO FIND OUT?!?!!! (oh, yeah, Netflix…)

T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. (2015, 116 minutes, PG-13)

On to the next film that has a stylistic flare...

Director Guy Ritchie helms this project with his usual lavish style, but smart enough to have toned down a bit so not to distract from the story.  He is able to put together a fresh spin on the overpopulated list of spy films recently released in 2015.  And I do mean busting at the seams.  We have already had SPY and MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - ROGUE NATION.  This week will be HITMAN: AGENT 47, and to finish the year we have BRIDGE OF SPIES (the latest pairing of Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks), SPOOKS: THE GREATER GOOD, and SPECTRE (we all know this will be the top dog).

Now, back to THE MAN...

This film is based off a TV show with the same name that ran in the mid 60's, and acts as an origin story.  The male leads Henry Cavill (Superman) and Armie Hammer (The Lone Ranger) play an American and Russian spy, respectively, who are teamed up to stop the sale of a nuclear warhead to a hidden Nazi faction that survived WWII.  Their clashing personalities worked well enough for the story but Cavill's character, Napoleon Solo, seemed the secondary character to Hammer's Illya.  These portrayals are the epitome of Cold War spy stereotypes and brings back some fond memories.  Along with Alicia Vikander playing the fiery vixen Gaby, who added a sexy and intelligent female lead role to this foray, the backstories did not deter from the overall plot and made for a richer experience.

One of the talents that Ritchie exhibits in this film is the ability to create a greater level of tension in action sequences.  As an example, Solo calmly sits low in the rear seat while directing Gaby during a frantic car chase.  The soothing and matter-of-fact tone in his voice pulls you back like a crossbow bolt being loaded, and then the quick switch back to the noisy and visually violent maneuvering of the chase triggers the release, sending you flying forward into the mayhem.

With still as much Ritchie verve found in this film, I'm not quite sure why it didn't raise as many hackles among the critics.  To be fair, accompanying this 60's period piece is the accompaniment of an expertly crafted soundtrack, to include Roberta Flack and Nina Simone (how can you go wrong), and choice locations in Italy to distract haters from the film.  But then again, haters will hate. 

Grade: B+

'Blu-ray or Bust' - INSURGENT

'Blu-ray or Bust'

INSURGENT (2015, PG-13, 119 minutes, SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT/RED WAGON ENTERTAINMENT)

Oh, how I miss THE HUNGER GAMES.  Just kidding, the GAMES suck donkey gizzards.

In the better of the Young Adult Novel/Movie realm, the best of the bunch is back, and firing on (mostly) all cylinders.  This time around, Triss (the still confident Shailene Woodley of THE FAULT IN OUR STARS and THE DESCENDANTS), does her best to overcome her ailing psyche; her actions of the first film are causing guilt and rash decisions (how else do you explain her chopping off her lovely tresses and thinking the pixie cut looks awesome standing straight up in the air and waving)...(like it just don’t care). 

The same cast is back (even dead people show up—what would guilt be without ghosts in the machines—literally)?  But behind the scenes, we get a new director with Robert Schwentke (RED, FLIGHTPLAN), a man that knows his way around an action film.  But the script also has new writers, and where the first tale seemed fresh and seamless, there are a few bumps along the way in the second installment of the franchise.  Thankfully, the bumps aren’t nearly enough to derail the story or distract from the action.

If I were to complain about anything, really, it would have to be ending this film on a high note.  Yeah, I know, why all the gloom and doom, jackhole?  Well, because everyone knows that the best sequels end with a note of hesitancy, of doubt, of wait-what-just-happened?-ness.  While the future looks a bit uncertain, you don’t see anyone in a tube of water, getting fitted with a robot-hand (THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK).  You don’t see anyone disfigured for life after being sprayed in the face with alien acid-blood (ALIENS).  You don’t see a guy with a chainsaw-hand being surrounded by medieval knights (you can figure that one out for yourself).  With INSURGENT, you get a big ol’ ray of sun-shinny hope.

Weird.

The effects and the sound necessitate the Blu-ray purchase, in case you were wondering.  In some ways, the effects feel more real here than they did in the first film, and those were well done enough.  Sound editing this film must have been the biggest pain in the glutes than on any other film not directed by Peter Jackson.  There are more gunshots and crumbling concrete here than in any recent film, and the attention to every detail pays off with the surround sound.  Also, the Special Features are nearly exhaustive.  The best is the comparison of the first and second films, which shows the different approach needed in order to present the best feeling of the second part of Triss’s journey.

Veronica Roth’s third book in the trilogy, “Allegiant”, is being split into two films—gee, thanks for setting that trend, frigging TWILIGHT.  The first is due next year, and the big finale in 2017.  Let us hope the story stays just as fresh during the next few years as it has during the first two films.

Film Grade: B+

Special Features: A

Blu-ray Necessary: Most definitely

T.S. Kummelman