Wednesday, November 7, 2018

‘Blu-ray or Bust’ - REPRISAL

‘Blu-ray or Bust’

There are times that I really, REALLY enjoy writing these reviews.  Mostly it is due to my excitement at being able to recommend something I really enjoyed, and other times, it is the joy I experience in coming up with new insults.

Thank you, Brian A. Miller (VICE, THE PRINCE) for giving us REPRISAL.  This is the third time he has directed Bruce Willis, and the third time that effort has sucked toad anus.  Seriously—movies don’t get as dumb as this one.  It is like watching a kid playing with those cheap store-brand cars, the ones that want to be Matchbox Cars but look and act more like crap with wheels that don’t spin.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not comparing Mr. Willis, or even Frank Grillo (CAPTAIN AMERICA), to poop toys.  While both are fine actors, neither one really acts their collective pants off here.  In fact, there are only three people taking this film seriously: the director (Miller), first time screenwriter Bryce Hammons, and “Legends of Tomorrow’s” own Jonah Hex, Johnathon Schaech, who is so excited to be playing the bad guy that he overacts his buns off.

The story revolves around a bank manager (Grillo), who’s branch is robbed one day by an occasionally violent baddie (Schaech).  He wants to clear his name so he can go back to work, therefore enlists the help of his neighbor (Mr. Willis), a retired cop, to track down the murderous thief.  At least, that’s the brief reason given to justify his motivation.  His neighbor’s motivation?  He’s retired, what the hell else does he have to do?  And, just as importantly, the bad guy’s motivation?  HE’S THE ANTAGONIST, HE DOESN’T NEED ONE.  If the fact that the bank manager and the retired cop figure out where the bad guy is hiding out through an extended and tedious montage doesn’t bother you, then you should definitely follow this film up with the other two frog-butt sucking movies I previously referenced.  Otherwise, please read on.

You know how you can skip from chapter to chapter on your Blu-ray player?  For this one, you should be able to skip to moments of absurdity and/or idiocy.  And they should have titles, like “Chapter 1: Dumbass Plot”, or “Chapter 7: How Cop Cars Skid Out During Chase Scenes When the Pavement Isn’t Wet”.  Maybe even “Chapter 20: When the Daughter Finally Speaks Above an Incoherent Mumble.”  There is so much wrong with this film, and everyone’s involvement with it, that you wonder how something this terrible could actually be regurgitated by Hollywood, and directly onto our eyes.  That’s right, folks: you could save yourself the time and trouble of watching this “film” by paying someone to throw up on your eyeball.  Same difference, really.

There are special features, but, really, who cares?  The last thing I want to watch is a bunch of people saying nice things about each other and the film when that is probably the best acting on the disc.  The special features should have titles commiserate with that of the film: “The Making of Reprisal: The Lengths We Went to To Ensure This Movie Was the Mental Equivalent of an Acidic Enema”.  And “The Casting of Reprisal: Actors That Thought This Would Be More Entertaining Than Watching a Competition Between Growing Grass (not the fun kind) and Drying Paint”.  “The Music of Reprisal: How to Play the Drums and a Tuba with Your Fart Hole”.

In summary: poop.
Grade: F+ (the “+” is for actress Olivia Culpo, the only spark of beauty in an otherwise crappy affair)
Special Features: F- (just because)
Blu-ray Necessary: If you buy this on Blu-ray, somehow, somewhere, entire colonies of cute puppies and kittens will simultaneously explode.  Please—don’t kill the puppies.

-- T.S. Kummelman

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