"SKumm’s Thoughts" - X-FILES: WEEK V

"SKumm’s Thoughts"

X-FILES: WEEK V

“The X Files” (FOX, 1993, 9 Seasons)

Whereas last season started with a sputter, the fifth one starts out strong, creating the first three-episode arc the series has seen.  You want alien conspiracy?  In your face, beotches.  You also get one of Gillian Anderson’s finest seasons to date; the woman was always a great actress, but the depth she shows here, in 1997, is amazing.  If she happens to be reading this: Gillian, I will gladly give birth to your children for you.  Seriously.

SEASON 5

Episode 1 & 2: Redux Part I & II

Not to spoil anything, but remember when I mentioned in the last article that MULDER’S DEAD?  Yeah, I lied.  In these two fast-paced episodes, the race is on to find the cure for Scully’s cancer…really, it’s the third main character by this point, we should have named it…okay, from here on out, we refer to Scully’s cancer as “Bob”.  The race is on to find a cure for Bob.  The Lone Gunmen are back, the Cancer Man cries, and Scully gets her science on.  Because she’s tired of Bob. (Digital Drawback: fake belly Christmas lights)

Episode 3: Unusual Suspects

The “birth” of the Lone Gunmen includes a damsel in distress, a naked Fox, and the “return” of a previously decommissioned government baddie.  (Digital Drawback: superfast dot-matrix printers)

Episode 5: The Post Modern Prometheus

MOTW, but totally fun, with an absorbing story and a terribly awesome ending.  Shot in black and white, and taking place in a rural town that seems caught in the fifties, this is a take on the Frankenstein/genetic mutation genre you do not want to pass up. 

Episodes 6 & 7: Christmas Carol/Emily

A story arc resonating from Scully’s abduction, to say too much would be giving away too many spoilers.  But there’s this kid.  And she’s related to Scully.  Like, related to her ovaries.  And someone brings up Bob.  That is all.

Episode 9: Schizogeny

Quite possibly the worst dialogue ever written for the show, and the worst attempt to capture the angst of teenagers.  Decent story, but you should probably avoid this MOTW. (Digital Drawback: that woman needs to shave—like, HER ENTIRE FACE)

Episode 10: Chinga

Ah, coastal Maine.  The fresh air, the fresh seafood, the evil doll.  This season had some excellent MOTW episodes, and this possessed doll was classic.  Just double-check your surroundings next time you hear “The Hokey Pokey”…

Episode 11: Kill Switch

The Lone Gunmen meet their dream-babe in the stunningly gorgeous Kristin Lehman; she plays a hacker that has a computer program trying to kill her.  If the episode feels familiar at times, keep in mind that this came out over a decade before Johnny Depp’s TRANSCENDENCE movie, and actually does a better job with the story.  And, uh, Kristin Lehman.

Episode 12: Bad Blood (or, The One With Luke Wilson and That Kid From Sandlot)

There’s a vampire running amok in Texas, and he looks just like that kid that uttered the classic line, “you’re killin’ me, Smalls!”.  The charm and humor of this MOTW tale is in the he said/she said aspect, told from differing points of view by Mulder and Scully.  Funny, tight writing, and excellent performances.

Episodes 13 & 14: Patient X/The Red and the Black (The Ones With Veronica Cartwright)

In a season that is very Scully-centric, the story line here is a turning point for our heroine and her belief structure.  Mass exterminations of abductees are sweeping Russia and the U.S., and The Syndicate shows how evil they really are.  Oh, and yeah, Alex Freakin’ Krycek.  And Scully meets a woman that has Bob.  Bob’s a really slutty bastard, isn’t he?

Episode 16: Mind’s Eye (The One With Lilli Taylor)

Taylor gives an outstanding performance as a blind girl with the World’s Biggest Chip on her shoulder, who happens to get visions from the point of view of a bad, bad man.  And the final scene with her and Mulder…touching.  Not enough of that in this show.  (Not that kind of touching, you perverts…)

Episode 17: All Souls

Revisiting the religious aspect of the supernatural, the agents are thrust into a game of Good vs Evil as Heaven and Hell battle over souls.  Another strong, devastating performance by Anderson, showing you precisely why she was nominated four years in a row for her performance as Scully in both the Emmy’s and the Golden Globes—alas, she only won once for each award.  But this episode is one of her best.

Episode 20: The End (The One With Mimi Rogers)

Someone is trying to kill a ten-year-old chess master, who just happens to be psychic.  This one brings back a dead man—AND Alex Freaking Krycek.  And the end of this season is just…HORRIFYING.  Once again, it looks like The X-Files department is being shut down.  Really, Chris Carter?  How many times do we have to use the SAME STINKING CLIFFHANGER… However, we also get our first glimpse of jealous Scully.  She doesn’t like Mimi Rogers.  She probably wishes that slut Bob had gone up Mimi’s nose holes, too. (Digital Drawback: Gosh, that product placement is sooooo subtle…)

T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: HITMAN: AGENT 47

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on HITMAN: AGENT 47 (2015, 96 minutes, R)

The Quick of It -

AGENT 47 was a film made to entertain.  The story only loosely pulled from the Hitman game atmosphere and didn't carry the same charm found in the first film.  Skip Wood was the lead screenwriter for both film projects but, unlike the first, AGENT 47 was written to move fast, quickly transitioning with the plot shifts and reveals.  This compromised the more touching moments, making them feel out of place and cheapened the overall experience.  The source of this divergence could be attributed to the addition of Michael Finch (known for PREDATORS and THE NOVEMBER MAN) in the writing of the script or going from Xavier Gens (a French director) to Aleksander Bach (a German director) as the director, reflecting the dissimilar regional teachings and style.  It was like going from a Luc Besson to a Michael Bay.  The action held its own and Rupert Friend was a descent agent (although I still would have liked an Olyphant sequel).  AGENT 47 was just a good one-shot watch.

Grade: C+

'Blu-ray or Bust' - UNFRIENDED

'Blu-ray or Bust'

UNFRIENDED (R, 2015, 82 minutes, BLUM HOUSE/BAZELEVS PRODUCTIONS)

Oh, how social media can be a bitch.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m a big fan of Facebook.  Through the wonders of technology, I have been able to reconnect with people that were probably trying their best to forget me (sorry, mom).  High school pals, college friends, even an ex-girlfriend—most have accepted my friend requests (quite possibly out of guilt, but hey, I’ll take it), and I feel better for having each and every one of them in my life. I have friends that send me words of encouragement, friends that like the unfortunate pictures of my hair, and friends that let me know when I’m being a total jackass.

Thank goodness I have been a geek for most of my life and never did anything stupid.

UNFRIENDED tells the story of six high school friends, all in the same video chat group, who on the anniversary of the suicide of a prior friend start meeting rather unfortunate deaths.  The tale, directed by newcomer Levan Gabriadze, plays out through a computer screen, a technique that worked (mostly) for a few other movies.  It is especially effective here, and adds a sense of voyeurism that, despite what starts to unfold, you just cannot look away from.

Written by Nelson Greaves, who has a few episodes of “Sleepy Hollow” under his belt, the story explores the world of internet bullying and offers a supernatural slant that builds slowly, yet never lets up on the tension.  The only problem I have with it is the ending.  Sometimes, it seems like the horror genre produces a movie that has a great build up, a well drawn-out story, but doesn’t know how to stop itself.  The ending here seems a little much—no spoilers, but I’m not sure the last fifteen seconds are really necessary.

The attention to detail in the film is wonderful.  From the occasional screwy visuals of a webcam, to the song selection in a music library, there is a whole lot to look at while enjoying a nice tunes.  Oh, and the gory deaths…you thought the use of a blender in YOU’RE NEXT was interesting, UNFRIENDED amps it up a notch.

Spend the extra few dollars on the Blu-ray (and not just because of the gore, or the almost-boobs).  Like I mentioned, there is a lot to see here, and the visual glitches play out better in the digitized format.  However…the biggest drawback to this disc?  No special features.  At all.  Nothing.  No behind-the-scenes, no interviews, no anything.  Not even a commentary by the caterers.  Give it a few weeks, and it should be in the ten-dollar section.  Seriously, one of the worst presentations by a studio in recent memory.  It’s like they dumped it onto disc because they felt obligated.

Cheap, lazy bastards.

While I abhor online bullying, I think that in this case, if you want to bully someone, bully Blum House.  Even though I didn’t like the ending, and even though they’ve already announced a sequel (really, why not? It only took about a million to make, and the box office total was over thirty-mill in the U.S. alone…), I say give those jerks what-for.  For the product that was released, it feels disrespectful to not give those involved a pat on the back with a few interviews and some exposition of some sort.  Easy way to get yourself unfriended…

Film Grade: B

Special Features: F

Blu-ray Necessary: Recommended

T.S. Kummelman

"Obscurities and Abject Pandering: What You’re Missing on NETFLIX"

"Obscurities and Abject Pandering: What You’re Missing on NETFLIX"

NEW ARRIVALS

Drama

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD

(2014, R, 101 minutes, FOCUS FEATURES)

Quite possibly the sweetest Armageddon movie ever made.  Steve Carell and Keira Knightley star in a movie about a man and woman’s road trip to reunite him with his high school sweetheart as a giant space rock hurtles toward earth.  The science behind this movie is all in the human behavior around Dodge and Penny as they travel; they witness humanity at its best, and worst.  There are little touches in this film that make it quietly affecting, and sometimes downright humorous.  Don’t go in expecting to see awesome explosions and landmarks being destroyed; the greatest special effects lie in the quiet and honest performances of Carell and Knightley.  And the dog named 'Sorry'.

IF I STAY

(2014, PG-13, 107 minutes, DINOVI PICTURES/MGM)

Worried about Chloë Grace Moretz not expanding her horizons and being pigeon-holed into genre films (see: LET ME IN, DARK SHADOWS, CARRIE) for the rest of her life? Check out her latest, the story of a girl in a coma who apparently has the choice of whether to live or die following a tragic car accident.  She shows new depth with the role of “Mia” than in everything else she has ever done—and I love her early stuff.  Brilliant in LET ME IN and the first KICK-ASS movie.  Here, she proves that not only does she have a future in Hollywood, but Hollywood will have a better future with her in it.  I watched this one with my daughter; she cried.  I hid it.

MEAN GIRLS

(2004, PG-13, 97 minutes, PARAMOUNT PICTURES)

This should be required viewing for any girl entering high school.  Starring Lindsey Lohan and Rachel McAdams as two girls vying for the same guy, popularity takes on a whole new meaning as their scheming takes on new heights.  Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are also on hand, as is Tim Meadows, playing quite possibly the 'Greatest School Principle Ever'.  There is a marvelous soundtrack, genuinely funny moments, and a pre-whacko Lohan.  It’s like HEATHERS meets Ridgemont High, just with no killing.  Or smoking vans.

New Release vs. Old

Instead of:  THE WOMAN IN BLACK 2: ANGEL OF DEATH (which tries to recreate the atmosphere of the first—the setting is creepy, but the cheap scares are not)

Watch: THE AWAKENING (a 2011 film that is moody, dreary, creepy, and does everything WOMAN IN BLACK 2 tries to do but fails to deliver on—a rather effective ghost story that will leave you thinking)

Instead of: THE COBBLER (I lasted through exactly twenty-three minutes of this film, and then promptly forgot everything I had seen by hitting myself in the face with a hammer fifteen times)

Watch: BIG DADDY (Sandler’s last really good film, with a scene stealing performance by everyone else in the film, including Rob Schneider and Jon Stewart)

Make up a queue kids, and put me to work!  Suggestions are always welcome, so get creative!  I’m always up to new challenges!

T.S. Kummelman

"SKumm’s Thoughts" - X-FILES: WEEK IV

"SKumm’s Thoughts"

X-FILES: WEEK IV
“The X Files” (FOX, 1993, 9 Seasons)

SEASON 4, 1995

Season 4 had an auspicious start to it. Actually, it was downright depressing at times. It got dark, emotional, and, in some instances, uncomfortable... just because it seemed like Carter & Co. were trying really hard to get everyone that wasn’t watching to pay attention.
 

Episode 1: Herronvolk
A disappointing start to the new season, really. Sure, it’s action packed—that indestructible alien bounty hunter is still on the loose, there’s DEATH BY BEES (shudder), weird “Village of the Damned” kids, and kind of a pivotal moment for Scully. But the end… hey, at least they followed it up with:

Episode 2: Home
This episode should be taught to screenwriters, actors, directors, lighting technicians, hell—make the damn gaffers watch it, too. Seriously one of the most intense, not to mention creepiest, forty minutes of television ever created. Controversial at the time, and hardly touched by any other copy-cat TV show since, this tale of small town inbreeding elicits too many emotions to keep track of. And you will never listen to Johnny Mathis’s “Wonderful, Wonderful” the same way ever again. One of the most important non-alien episodes you could watch. (Digital Drawback: Deputy Voice-over)

Episode 4: Unruhe
Veteran character actor Pruitt Taylor Vince plays “Gerry”, a creepy bastard with shifty eyes. He was the ability to alter photographs, clues which Mulder has to decipher to rescue Scully. Seems Gerry likes to kill pretty women… like I said, “creepy bastard”…

Episode 5: The Field In Which I Died
Like the season hasn’t been depressing enough: now we get to see Mulder cry, Scully yell at him, past life regression vs. multiple personality disorder, the World’s Worst Kool Aide, and a creepy cult leader with six wives. Hell, gotta hand it to him—I couldn’t handle one, and he’s got six of ‘em?!?

Episode 7: Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man
ALMOST everything you ever wanted to know about The Cancer Man. Get a forty-minute peek into the brain of The X-Files biggest enemy, and learn why he ultimately has a thing for the Little Green Men. The historical references make you hate him, but the rationale which drives him makes him (sadly) more human. But it’s okay to still hate him… (Digital Drawback: seriously, other smokers on the show INHALE, pansy…)

Episode 8 & 9: Tunguska/Terma
He’s baAack! Krycek resurfaces (wait, wasn’t he locked up in a missile silo with a space ship?!?), leading Mulder to a meteorite with that icky alien goo in it. Lives are at stake. There’s a gulag. But on a high note, it also happens to be Abuse Alex Krycek Week! FOR TWO WEEKS!!

Episode 12: Leonard Betts
Important because an E.M.T. made of cancer (really, it happens) who has an awesome knack for diagnosing people with cancer (commonplace, really) lets Scully in on a little secret. Far be it from me to reveal any spoilers here, though… but he doesn’t tell her she has The Clap…

Episode 13: Never Again
Mulder channels The King, and Scully bumps uglies with a tattooed killer. Seriously.

Episode 14: Memento Mori
Okay, important episode. Key words: cancer, multiples, The Cancer Man, mommies, and The Lone Gunmen. Think that about covers it.

Episode 16: Unrequited
MOTW, in the form of a wrathful Vietnam Veteran who can become invisible. This episode featured the Vietnam War Memorial, and a biting satire on how the U.S. has a history of treating its heroes badly. One of the faster paced procedurals, with just a hint of conspiracy. (Digital Drawback: The Batman Goatee)

Episodes 17 & 18: Tempus Fugit/Max
Multiple Abductee Max is back—well, kinda. Only this time, the poor epileptic RV dweller from the tenth episode from the first season gets sucked out of an airplane instead of a motor home. Bad news for all the other passengers… plus, the military cover-up is in full gear. (Digital Drawback: are you really trying to outrun a Hummer on the beach... ?)

Episode 23: Demons
What do three suicidal abductees, amnesia, and a Mulder with other people’s blood on his shirt add up to? Weirdness. (Digital Drawback: Scully absolutely cannot park a car.)

Episode 24: Gethsemane
Yes bartender, I’d like an alien, chilled. An alien on the rocks? How about an ETcicle? A scientist discovers an extraterrestrial frozen in Canada, Scully gets bullied, and the season ends on a slightly familiar note: MULDER IS DEAD. HOW THE HELL WILL THEY GET OUTTA THIS ONE?!? WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT SEPTEMBER TO FIND OUT?!?!!! (oh, yeah, Netflix…)

T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: 

on THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. (2015, 116 minutes, PG-13)

On to the next film that has a stylistic flare...

Director Guy Ritchie helms this project with his usual lavish style, but smart enough to have toned down a bit so not to distract from the story.  He is able to put together a fresh spin on the overpopulated list of spy films recently released in 2015.  And I do mean busting at the seams.  We have already had SPY and MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - ROGUE NATION.  This week will be HITMAN: AGENT 47, and to finish the year we have BRIDGE OF SPIES (the latest pairing of Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks), SPOOKS: THE GREATER GOOD, and SPECTRE (we all know this will be the top dog).

Now, back to THE MAN...

This film is based off a TV show with the same name that ran in the mid 60's, and acts as an origin story.  The male leads Henry Cavill (Superman) and Armie Hammer (The Lone Ranger) play an American and Russian spy, respectively, who are teamed up to stop the sale of a nuclear warhead to a hidden Nazi faction that survived WWII.  Their clashing personalities worked well enough for the story but Cavill's character, Napoleon Solo, seemed the secondary character to Hammer's Illya.  These portrayals are the epitome of Cold War spy stereotypes and brings back some fond memories.  Along with Alicia Vikander playing the fiery vixen Gaby, who added a sexy and intelligent female lead role to this foray, the backstories did not deter from the overall plot and made for a richer experience.

One of the talents that Ritchie exhibits in this film is the ability to create a greater level of tension in action sequences.  As an example, Solo calmly sits low in the rear seat while directing Gaby during a frantic car chase.  The soothing and matter-of-fact tone in his voice pulls you back like a crossbow bolt being loaded, and then the quick switch back to the noisy and visually violent maneuvering of the chase triggers the release, sending you flying forward into the mayhem.

With still as much Ritchie verve found in this film, I'm not quite sure why it didn't raise as many hackles among the critics.  To be fair, accompanying this 60's period piece is the accompaniment of an expertly crafted soundtrack, to include Roberta Flack and Nina Simone (how can you go wrong), and choice locations in Italy to distract haters from the film.  But then again, haters will hate. 

Grade: B+

'Blu-ray or Bust' - INSURGENT

'Blu-ray or Bust'

INSURGENT (2015, PG-13, 119 minutes, SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT/RED WAGON ENTERTAINMENT)

Oh, how I miss THE HUNGER GAMES.  Just kidding, the GAMES suck donkey gizzards.

In the better of the Young Adult Novel/Movie realm, the best of the bunch is back, and firing on (mostly) all cylinders.  This time around, Triss (the still confident Shailene Woodley of THE FAULT IN OUR STARS and THE DESCENDANTS), does her best to overcome her ailing psyche; her actions of the first film are causing guilt and rash decisions (how else do you explain her chopping off her lovely tresses and thinking the pixie cut looks awesome standing straight up in the air and waving)...(like it just don’t care). 

The same cast is back (even dead people show up—what would guilt be without ghosts in the machines—literally)?  But behind the scenes, we get a new director with Robert Schwentke (RED, FLIGHTPLAN), a man that knows his way around an action film.  But the script also has new writers, and where the first tale seemed fresh and seamless, there are a few bumps along the way in the second installment of the franchise.  Thankfully, the bumps aren’t nearly enough to derail the story or distract from the action.

If I were to complain about anything, really, it would have to be ending this film on a high note.  Yeah, I know, why all the gloom and doom, jackhole?  Well, because everyone knows that the best sequels end with a note of hesitancy, of doubt, of wait-what-just-happened?-ness.  While the future looks a bit uncertain, you don’t see anyone in a tube of water, getting fitted with a robot-hand (THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK).  You don’t see anyone disfigured for life after being sprayed in the face with alien acid-blood (ALIENS).  You don’t see a guy with a chainsaw-hand being surrounded by medieval knights (you can figure that one out for yourself).  With INSURGENT, you get a big ol’ ray of sun-shinny hope.

Weird.

The effects and the sound necessitate the Blu-ray purchase, in case you were wondering.  In some ways, the effects feel more real here than they did in the first film, and those were well done enough.  Sound editing this film must have been the biggest pain in the glutes than on any other film not directed by Peter Jackson.  There are more gunshots and crumbling concrete here than in any recent film, and the attention to every detail pays off with the surround sound.  Also, the Special Features are nearly exhaustive.  The best is the comparison of the first and second films, which shows the different approach needed in order to present the best feeling of the second part of Triss’s journey.

Veronica Roth’s third book in the trilogy, “Allegiant”, is being split into two films—gee, thanks for setting that trend, frigging TWILIGHT.  The first is due next year, and the big finale in 2017.  Let us hope the story stays just as fresh during the next few years as it has during the first two films.

Film Grade: B+

Special Features: A

Blu-ray Necessary: Most definitely

T.S. Kummelman

"SKumm’s Thoughts" - X-FILES: WEEK III

"SKumm’s Thoughts"

X-FILES:  WEEK III

“The X Files” (FOX, 1993, 9 Seasons)

SEASON 4, 1995

Season 4 had an auspicious start to it.  Actually, it was downright depressing at times.  It got dark, emotional, and, in some instances, uncomfortable... just because it seemed like Carter & Co. were trying really hard to get everyone that wasn’t watching to pay attention.

Episode 1: Herronvolk

A disappointing start to the new season, really.  Sure, it’s action packed—that indestructible alien bounty hunter is still on the loose, there’s DEATH BY BEES (shudder), weird “Village of the Damned” kids, and kind of a pivotal moment for Scully.  But the end… hey, at least they followed it up with:

Episode 2: Home

This episode should be taught to screenwriters, actors, directors, lighting technicians, hell—make the damn gaffers watch it, too.  Seriously one of the most intense, not to mention creepiest, forty minutes of television ever created.  Controversial at the time, and hardly touched by any other copy-cat TV show since, this tale of small town inbreeding elicits too many emotions to keep track of.  And you will never listen to Johnny Mathis’s “Wonderful, Wonderful” the same way ever again. One of the most important non-alien episodes you could watch.  (Digital Drawback: Deputy Voice-over)

Episode 4: Unruhe

Veteran character actor Pruitt Taylor Vince plays “Gerry”, a creepy bastard with shifty eyes.  He was the ability to alter photographs, clues which Mulder has to decipher to rescue Scully.  Seems Gerry likes to kill pretty women… like I said, “creepy bastard”…

Episode 5: The Field In Which I Died

Like the season hasn’t been depressing enough: now we get to see Mulder cry, Scully yell at him, past life regression vs. multiple personality disorder, the World’s Worst Kool Aide, and a creepy cult leader with six wives.  Hell, gotta hand it to him—I couldn’t handle one, and he’s got six of ‘em?!?

Episode 7: Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man

ALMOST everything you ever wanted to know about The Cancer Man.  Get a forty-minute peek into the brain of The X-Files biggest enemy, and learn why he ultimately has a thing for the Little Green Men.  The historical references make you hate him, but the rationale which drives him makes him (sadly) more human.  But it’s okay to still hate him… (Digital Drawback: seriously, other smokers on the show INHALE, pansy…)

Episode 8 & 9: Tunguska/Terma

He’s baAack!  Krycek resurfaces (wait, wasn’t he locked up in a missile silo with a space ship?!?), leading Mulder to a meteorite with that icky alien goo in it.  Lives are at stake.  There’s a gulag.  But on a high note, it also happens to be Abuse Alex Krycek Week! FOR TWO WEEKS!!

Episode 12: Leonard Betts

Important because an E.M.T. made of cancer (really, it happens) who has an awesome knack for diagnosing people with cancer (commonplace, really) lets Scully in on a little secret.  Far be it from me to reveal any spoilers here, though… but he doesn’t tell her she has The Clap…

Episode 13: Never Again

Mulder channels The King, and Scully bumps uglies with a tattooed killer.  Seriously.

Episode 14: Memento Mori

Okay, important episode.  Key words: cancer, multiples, The Cancer Man, mommies, and The Lone Gunmen.  Think that about covers it.

Episode 16: Unrequited

MOTW, in the form of a wrathful Vietnam Veteran who can become invisible.  This episode featured the Vietnam War Memorial, and a biting satire on how the U.S. has a history of treating its heroes badly.  One of the faster paced procedurals, with just a hint of conspiracy. (Digital Drawback: The Batman Goatee)

Episodes 17 & 18: Tempus Fugit/Max

Multiple Abductee Max is back—well, kinda.  Only this time, the poor epileptic RV dweller from the tenth episode from the first season gets sucked out of an airplane instead of a motor home.  Bad news for all the other passengers… plus, the military cover-up is in full gear.  (Digital Drawback: are you really trying to outrun a Hummer on the beach... ?)

Episode 23: Demons

What do three suicidal abductees, amnesia, and a Mulder with other people’s blood on his shirt add up to?  Weirdness.  (Digital Drawback: Scully absolutely cannot park a car.)

Episode 24: Gethsemane

Yes bartender, I’d like an alien, chilled.  An alien on the rocks?  How about an ETcicle? A scientist discovers an extraterrestrial frozen in Canada, Scully gets bullied, and the season ends on a slightly familiar note: MULDER IS DEAD.  HOW THE HELL WILL THEY GET OUTTA THIS ONE?!?  WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT SEPTEMBER TO FIND OUT?!?!!! (oh, yeah, Netflix…)

T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: FANTASTIC FOUR

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic:

on FANTASTIC FOUR (2015, 100 minutes, PG-13)

After all is said and done, maybe I should quit this gig of writing movie reviews. I just seem to pick out the ones that drawn in the most critical bashings and end up on the wrong side. You know, the films where the majority of critics love to dismember a controversial release, because it’s the fashionable thing to do. All I find posted everywhere are clever little quips that have no grounded understanding of what they watched.

First off, this FANTASTIC FOUR is nothing like the set from the 2000’s, and be happy that it is not. Those were the worst films found in any comic universe. ANY. When reviewers try to convince you that this one is inferior, this is your warning sign that you are surrounded by a bunch of trolls. TROLLS. (If you haven’t caught on, I am getting more irritated as I write this.)

Yes, the movie is broody and has a darker tone. Yes, there are slow points in the action. The time was used to building tension and to create depth for the main characters as individuals and their relationships. Show me an origin story where this doesn’t happen at some point. And yes, this film is thankfully devoid of the campy humor. FOUR is an origins film that portrays a high level of character development, a serious sense of the struggle to regain what is lost, and the conflict within these adolescents trying to understand their purpose in life, to establish their identity.

Director Josh Trank shows the same strengths from his previous film CHRONICLE being carried over to this project, and probably why he got the job. If you consider this, you can see the similarities in style and understand why the film has this artistic execution. For whatever reason, critics tend to completely miss this detail. I, for one, will first watch a film and try to see what the story tells me instead of scoffing at everything that doesn't fit my criteria for the film I envisioned. SHOULD I say that again in summation…? There should be no surprise that Trank's FOUR and his previous film with a similar story and characters shot not three years ago exhibits the same style.

 

Sure, there are rumors out there that blame conflict on the set, Trank bickering with execs, and producers unhappy with Trank’s erratic behavior. Either way, FOUR has his characteristic gloom, what everyone should expect at this point and appreciate. His skill lies in the ability to tell a story that subtly captures the underlying struggle in his teenager and young adult characters, something that cannot be openly caught on film and not seem contrived.

The writing, a collaboration of Jeremy Slater, Simon Kinberg (a FOX go-to for the X-Men films), and Josh Trank, shows an understanding in character progression and plot pacing. This did slow the overall movie but you are creating an origin story with multiple characters, attempting to make them relatable to the audience, and balance the real-world setting with an extremely comic-booky foundation. You can scream until you are blue in the face about ‘source material’ but this was no LAST AIRBENDER. They tried keeping to the source material in the first series and failed miserably. No one can convince me otherwise, sorry. FOUR had enough subtle hints added to relate to the die-hard fans without making outrageous attempts to appease the masses and disrupt the story. So go see the film and judge for yourself, ignore the Critic Trolls that plague the internet.

Grade: B-

'Blu-ray or Bust' - X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST—THE ROGUE CUT

'Blu-ray or Bust'

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST—THE ROGUE CUT (2015, UR, 148 minutes, MARVEL ENTERTAINMENT/20TH CENTURY FOX)

Oh, what a tangled web studio execs weave…

To cut Anna Paquin out of the theatrical version of DAYS was a slight upon the raging pubescent genes of every comic book fan on the planet. How dare they! Rogue was/is a necessary part of the X-Men cannon! And it is Anna ‘freaking’ Paquin, man—she GETS NAKED on HBO’s “True Blood”!!!

COMMUNIST PIGS!

(Ahem) Sorry. Got a little emotional there. But honestly, who wouldn’t? You bring two great casts together, and you leave out a character that was THE story arc of the first X-Men film? In a film directed by Bryan Singer, the guy that casted her in the first place? Preposterous, I tell you.

So, Singer decided to do the fans a solid. He recut the film, and added all of the Rogue stuff not in the theatrical version. And let me tell you something, fellow geeks and action fans: it only makes the film a wee bit better than the theatrical release. While it is nice to see Anna in this version of the film, it is not the inclusion of her, necessarily, that makes the difference. It’s the extra curse words, the extra little touches of violence, and, in one incredible sequence, it is the parallels in the timelines.

You have to wait through more than half of the film to get your first glance at her, but that works to the film’s advantage. In the future timeline, she is being held prisoner by scientists wanting to harness her mutant powers to make the Sentinels, which are mutant killing robots from hell, even bigger bad asses. So in what amounts to the second prison break of the film, she has to be rescued in order to help keep Logan (aka “Wolverine”, aka Hugh Jackman) in the past so everyone’s younger selves can stop Bolivar Trask (aka “Tyrion Lannister”, aka “Peter Dinklage”) from releasing his Sentinels upon the world to begin with. Confused yet? Don’t be. If you haven’t already seen the film, nothing I can say here is going to convince you to go watch it now. Porpoise testicles. There—any more intrigued yet?

Anyways, breaking Rogue out proves a tad difficult, and here is where the alternate timelines come into play. If you ever doubted Singer’s ability to tell a great visual story, you should be ashamed of yourself. In fact, go stick your head in the toilet and flush it eight times. Singer didn’t just add the deleted Rogue scenes—he recut the dang movie. He shows future Magneto doing good, at the same “time” that past Magneto (aka “David” from PROMETHEUS, aka “Michael Fassbender”) is doing bad. Effective, and nearly poetic in its execution.

There are a butt-load of extras on the disc, some of which (like a new commentary from Singer, which gets more in-depth as to why certain scenes, including several that have nothing to do with Rogue) were initially cut, but included here. This includes a well-paced commentary, completely different than that of the original cut.

The next X-MEN movie is already filming, and it looks as if the stakes will be a lot higher this time around. Which is where this re-birth of the franchise has been nearly ingenious; the third installment will finally give X-fans what they have been pining for: a big bad mutant villain. However, all current indications are that Rogue will NOT be in this film…(yeah, I’m going to leave it hanging right here)…

Film Grade: A (for the extended cut, and I’m sticking by my B+ for the theatrical version)

Special Features: A

Blu-ray Necessary: Most definitely (it has Jennifer Lawrence, Anna Paquin, and my current man-crush in it, do you really have to ask?)

T.S. Kummelman

“Obscurities and Abject Pandering: What You’re Missing on NETFLIX”

“Obscurities and Abject Pandering: What You’re Missing on NETFLIX”

NEW ARRIVALS

Horror/Foreign/Comedy

WYRMWOOD: ROAD OF THE DEAD

(2014, NR, 98 minutes, GUERILLA FILMS/IFC)

 

Watch enough zombie movies, and your brain gets a bit overloaded. But give a bunch of crazy Australians some cameras, two-thousand gallons of fake blood, and way too many energy drinks, and you get WYRMWOOD. Thank you, crazy Australians. This film isn’t just overflowing with gore and mayhem, but the premise is pretty farfetched, too. Oh screw it, the whole zombie premise is a bit out there, but this one exceeds the usual. Falling asteroids bring about a zombie plague, and a man goes off in search of his sister. The problem is that regular fossil fuels have become inert, for some unknown reason. But zombies are now a renewable energy source…who’d a thunk it? To say any more would give away too much, although there is a crazy Australian scientist. And the best use of a K.C. and the Sunshine Band song in any zombie movie. EVER.

Documentary

LOST SOUL: THE DOOMED JOURNEY OF RICHARD STANLEY’S ISLAND OF DOCTOR MOREAU

(2014, NR—probably an “R”, 97 minutes, SEVERIN FILMS)

You don’t have to be a fan of Stanley’s DOCTOR MOREAU, or even had to have seen the film, to understand the insanity lurking at the fringes of this documentary. The insanity is Stanley himself, and the Evil Hollywood Machine which swallows him whole. This terribly in-depth film shows you, through footage and interviews, how one man’s surreal and totally mental vision got hijacked by evil actors, evil producers, and an evil hurricane. And a horny midget. Must not forget the horny midget… It is funny, alarming, and, at times, downright hysterical. Watch this to see how crappy movies are made, but enjoy it for what it teaches you: how NOT to become part of the Evil Hollywood Machine.

Drama/Comedy/Independent

THE SKELETON TWINS

(2014, R, 93 minutes, VENTURE FORTH)

Starring “Saturday Night Live” alums Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader, this tight little dramedy centers on the familial relationship between two siblings, and the struggle they face to fix their broken selves. Hader plays the gay “Milo” with thought and a depth you wouldn’t expect from the comedian for his first dramatic role. You do get to see his comedic chops on display, but you never get the feeling he is playing one of his characters from TV. He is more honest here, more vulnerable, than you are used to seeing him. And Wiig is even better. To try and describe her performance here—well, suffice to say, I just ain’t smart enough to pull that off convincingly. She goes from sexy to mousy to remorseful so quickly you forget you are watching the same woman that played the creepy girl with tiny hands on “Saturday Night”.

New Release DON’Ts:

WELCOME TO ME, starring Wiig, is a boring mess. She does a good enough job with what she is given, but you cannot help but think this is one of her characters from “Saturday Night”. A crazy girl wins the lottery and buys her own TV show. That’s pretty much all there is to it.

KILL ME THREE TIMES isn’t so much horrible as it is disappointing. Simon Pegg is an assassin following his mark around town as other people, for other reasons, try to kill her. Pegg has three funny moments, but the rest of the movie feels like an Australian version of BLOOD SIMPLE—and it really misses the mark.

Make up a queue kids, and put me to work! Suggestions are always welcome, and there are a few in the works for the weeks ahead. But I’m always up to new challenges!

T.S. Kummelman

"SKumm’s Thoughts" - X-FILES: WEEK II

"SKumm’s Thoughts"

X-FILES:  WEEK II

“The X Files” (FOX, 1993, 9 Seasons)

SEASON 2, 1994

The second season found creator Chris Carter cementing his groove. He would give us a healthy dose of his alien conspiracy, and regularly throw some “monster-of-the-week” (MOTW) episodes in to break up the seriousness. This allowed us to look forward to each new night, as you never knew when the shadier figures in the government would creep in. It was a surprise to see the Cancer Man in an episode which had nothing to do with the little green men; you’d think that he would have no bearing on that night’s storyline, but there he was, creeping up the joint. While certainly not the strongest season of the show’s run, it was not the weakest, either. Season 2 introduces us to a few concepts concerning the aliens that quickly became cannon—some of the themes and effects you see here will be back! We also get more classic special guest stars, in roles you wouldn’t necessarily expect them to be playing…

Episode 1: Little Green Men

The X-Files division is no more, and Mulder travels out of country to get his hands on proof of alien communiqués before killer military forces sweep in and destroy everything. (Digital Drawback: okay, wait, how did Jorge get into the bathroom if Mulder had to cut his way in…?)

Episode 2: The Host

The sewer system of New York never looked crappier! Apparently, there is a homicidal leech/parasite/ugly humanoid bastard chewing on people, and it’s Mulder’s job to sift through the sh…okay, enough with the poo jokes. Sorry…there’s something in my crapper, and it’s trying to eat me! No, seriously, the Taco Bell chalupa was a mistake, okay…

Episode 4: Sleepless

Tony “The Candyman” Todd is a Vietnam vet able to take over other people’s minds. But he blows the powers on some retribution crap. Such a wasted talent. I would totally be Brad Pitt for a day… And, we get our first episode with the nefarious Alex Krycek, who you just know is up to SOMETHING.

Episodes 5 & 6: Duane Barry/Ascension

Steve Railsback guest stars as Barry, an ex-FBI agent convinced he is a victim of numerous abductions during his lifetime. Bad things happen, of course, and, in a story arc that will come back to haunt Mulder and (especially) Scully for the remainder of the life of the show, Scully gets abducted. Two very important episodes, kids! As an added bonus, C.C.H. Pounder also guest stars. (Digital Drawback: Duane Berry’s car is a Transformer! SOMEONE CALL MICHAEL BAY.)

Episode 8: One Breath

Scully’s back, and is the first one to get her near-death experience. There is much symbolism in this episode, and it works as a great reminder that this show works so well because of the differences between its two main characters, not in spite of them.

Episode 11: Excelsis Dei

Horny old men and demented ghosts, egad! Mulder and Scully investigate a rape case at a retirement home, and get—yeah, I’m gonna go there—SUCKED into a plot involving ancient home remedies and the first unfortunate Viagra pill for the elderly. Alas, it also is one of those episodes where, even if she goes through some unexplainable phenomena, Scully still is unfazed and unconvinced of unseen forces. Maddening, I tell ya!

Episodes 16 & 17: Colony/End Game

This episode sets up a few themes that reoccur in future seasons: a shape-shifting alien, multiple copies of the same person/alien/thing-a-ma-person, Mulder’s sister, and the only good way to put down an extraterrestrial. And get used to that shape-shifter—Brian Thompson gets a job for the next five seasons, and he’s the best relentless non-Terminator you’ll ever see.

Episode 18: Fearful Symmetry

An invisible elephant goes on a rampage. As does an invisible lion. And a “talking” gorilla. It’s a crazy look into the animal kingdom, and it isn’t just the ones in the zoo you have to worry about… (Digital Drawback: is that lion trainer under the grates?)

Episode 20 : Humbug

The most fun you’ll have watching The X-Files. Mulder and Scully investigate a murder in Gibsonton, FL—the home of sideshow attractions like “The Dog Face Boy” and “Alligator Man” (who happens to be married to The Bearded Lady). Full of Florida kitsch and human oddities, this classic “monster-of-the-week” (pun sincerely not intended) makes for a necessary watch if for no other reason than for a break in the whole alien conspiracy which was mentioned in almost every episode this season besides this one.

Episode 23: Soft Light (or, “The One With Tony Shalhoub”)

A scientist with a killer shadow is on the loose. Special appearance by another shifty government type, in a MOTW episode you wouldn’t expect him to show up in. But he does. And it ain’t good.

Episode 25: Anasazi

Classic cliffhanger, on an Indian reservation. Mulder gets his hands on an encrypted disk that contains all of the military’s U.F.O. secrets, finds a box car full of dead aliens, and The Smoking Man gets angry.

(Digital Drawback: the 90’s version of a “disk”.)

T.S. Kummelman

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic: MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - ROGUE NATION

The 'Not-So-Critical' Critic:

on MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - ROGUE NATION (2015, 131 minutes, PG-13)

Ethan Hunt is back at it again, and delivers the - "impossible".

The past M:I's have been all over the road for style and having varied success with audiences and critics. The first film was a great introduction and was received with enthusiasm. The one major flaw I found was tearing apart the IMF team at the start, not allowing the audience to build a rapport with each member, leaving only Hunt as the focal point. The second film, let's face it, had too much Woo and the story was lame. The third was decent thanks in part to Philip Seymour Hoffman as one of the most ruthless bastards you will ever meet. M:I GHOST PROTOCOL brought the franchise back around with director Brad Bird and writer Josh Appelbaum at the helm. If you skipped over GP because Tom Cruise seemed to have lost his cookies, then please catch up, worth the watch.

ROGUE NATION was about the IMF taking on a hidden organization called the Syndicate while operations get shut down in the US. Under the eye of director Christopher McQuarrie (of JACK REACHER and THE WAY OF THE GUN), who has a very respectable list of credits as a writer; to include EDGE OF TOMORROW, THE TOURIST, and THE USUAL SUSPECTS, he kept to the high level of energy and adding a successful follow-up to GP. And, as you see, McQuarrie's list of credits from above included a number of Tom Cruise movies, and to add VALKYRIE, making 4 films. I pose that this is not just by chance... this is Scient... oh, sorry. It just makes sense is all: they have history.

The one thing that caught my eye was the attention to detail when it came to the crazy action sequences. To start the movie, the plane scene looked about as authentic as possible (possible, I said). The chase scenes with automobiles and motorcycles thankfully avoided the need for wet streets and out-Woo'ed M:I 2. There was only one crash sequence that brought me out of the film and made me think it a poor choice. While I sat there and watched each epic feat, I couldn't help but think this was what the James Bond films lacked prior to the Daniel Craig era - impossible stunts made to look genuine without a "cheese" landing.

The cast included the usual suspects of Jeremy Renner (William Brandt), Ving Rhames (Luther), and, to a larger extent this time, Simon Pegg as the lovable Benji. Rebecca Ferguson was the female lead as Ilsa and will probably find more screen time in the future thanks to this role. She was dazzling, lethal, and elicited a number of emotions throughout the film (some I cannot discuss in public). The lead baddy was Solomon Lane (Sean Harris, known for PROMETHEUS, HARRY BROWN, and DELIVER US FROM EVIL) who was a devious villain with an excellent 'creep' factor.

I think one of the majestic beauties of this film was the complex nature of the plot being made simple. Everything within the film, the scenes and interactions, lead the viewer along with dumbing it down or requiring continuous explanation. You felt as if you were part of the team, trying to survive the mayhem, and brought near death a number of times. If this keeps up, the Bond franchise will indeed have a rival US counterpart.

Grade: B+

'Blu-ray or Bust' - SLOW WEST

'Blu-ray or Bust'

SLOW WEST (R, 2015, 84 minutes, A24/SEE-SAW FILMS)

I’m beginning to think there isn’t much that Michael Fassbender cannot do. Seriously, he’s starting to piss me off.

Maybe not him directly, but the reality he lives in. What other actor today looks right at home playing a morally ambiguous android (PROMETHEUS), a bad-boy mutant that can control metal with his awesome brain (the latest X-MEN films), and a mentally deteriorating singer with a big plastic head on his head for the entire film (FRANK)? He can go from action star to dramatic actor at the flip of a switch—there really is no one else like him in cinema today. Not with his range, not with his presence.

Now you can add “cowboy” to the mix.

SLOW WEST is nothing short of a visually stunning overture. Filmed in New Zealand, which seems to be the new “it” place for any film that requires majestic scenery, first-time director John Maclean’s tale of love and survival is beautifully shot and brilliantly acted. Each character you see is well written and thoroughly fleshed out. The story itself concerns young Jay Cavendish, fresh off the boat from Ireland and seeking out Rose, his lost love. He meets up with Silas (Fassbender), whose experience as a bodyguard/bad ass is the only protection the lovelorn Jay has in the wild west of America. Jay is played by Kodi Smit-McPhee; you’ll remember him as the shy, doomed-to-serve-a-vampire “Owen” from 2010’s creepy LET ME IN. Here he is thoughtful and naïve; he’s a teenage boy on an adventure, who brings a teapot and an unloaded gun with him.

Along the way, our heroes cross paths with a bounty hunter and his gang. Played with calm and deadly resolve, Ben Mendelsohn’s “Payne” isn’t so much a bad guy as he is a working man trying to survive The West. Yes, he wears a giant fur coat and could be considered extravagant, but he’s just like every other working Joe; he has a purpose, and he aims to do his job.

The cinematography by Robbie Ryan—who worked with Fassbender previously in FISH TANK—is lovely and haunting. He and Maclean not only know how to frame a scene, but they manage to capture the essence of damn near everything. It’s no surprise that Maclean got his start writing music for films; this film is like a composition of musical notes played out against the most majestic of natural scenes. And freaking Fassbender is in it.

Yep—you need this on Blu-ray. The only disappointing things about this is there is only one Special Feature (although the “making of” does give you a good bit of behind-the-scenes insight, you kinda want more), and the movie is too dang short. Don’t get me wrong; this is a great story, you just…kinda want more (said every girl I ever dated).

Would you be surprised to know that Fassbender’s next role is as Macbeth? And that in the next year or two he will be the titular killer in the big-screen adaptation of the “Assassin’s Creed” video game? And the best I can muster is writing reviews on my laptop…perhaps I should write the next one with an Irish accent…

Film Grade: A-

Special Features: C

Blu-ray Necessary: Most Definitely

T.S. Kummelman