…as
shown through…
THE
ASIAN CONNECTION (2016, 90 minutes, R)
Where to start? What a doozy.
Stumbled on this gem in the newly listed queue of Netflix. Everything about it demonstrated one of the
worst Hollywood career slumps ever, one that refuses to go quietly into the
night.
I want to get this portion out of the way quickly…
so more time for Seagal. Director Daniel
Zirilli was an ‘unknown’ to me. His
career in the industry may have proved him to be the King of Mediocrity. So, I guess I cannot blame him for this hot
mess; he’s been consistent in his delivery.
But, I cannot forgive one particular person, a Mr. Tom Sizemore (yeah,
you read that right), for writing this turd.
Please, either take a writing class or give up everything writing… to
include grocery lists.
Now, for some lovely catches I collected while
watching the film. There were many, so
much fun.
At the start, it opened with the female lead,
Avalon, making this sound like some modern fable of love… and the ‘monster’, a
ruthless crime lord… Seagal. I stressed
the insertion of ‘monster’ as it was tough to keep that moniker as the film
progressed. You will see.
Shortly in, we get an action scene with
Seagal knife dueling another local crime lord, as Seagal was beginning his
takeover of the area. Seagal was super
polite to this gentleman before he felt no resolution could be found, then all
hell broke loose... So, what do you
do? You spend about five minutes swinging
a large knife like a maniacal cheerleader, with your off-hand flipping around
in unison, right in front of the cameraman.
When you see the two together in the shot, they are standing more than
arm’s length away, so I don’t know who was thinking they were going to
cut. Then, with that killing blow, a serious
face of finality for Seagal, he draws back the knife… no blood. This is rated R, right?
Then, later at his crime lord lair (Legion
of Doom theme intro), he told his lieutenants, “Violence is a last resort.” The only thing violent so far had been his bad
hair plug job across his forehead. He
looked like an abused baby doll. While
watching the scene, all I could think of was the South Park impersonation. A rather large man all in black making
awkward statements. Spot on. Unfortunately, he has stayed that way for too
long in these later years, fat and in black.
I have plenty of pudge, so I can make fun.
Then, we finally got our main introduction
of our hero, Jack… who was a bank robber.
He and his buddy, Sam, robbed a bank in Thailand then rush over the
border into Cambodia. Their escape was
made by really nice motorbikes. Not like
they would stand out... You have to
understand, the road systems in those countries are limited. How was it that no one saw where they headed,
if nothing else. Oh, and the
descriptions given for the film claimed that Sam was an American expatriate. His strong British accent says
otherwise.
Then, the two lovers of our story get to
share screen time… in a slowmo / love music kinda way. Oh, so horrible. She sounds like a SoCal half the time. He showed her his cut of the robbery, and followed
one of the great lines of the film –
“Why don’t you do me on all this cash? Don’t make me ask you twice, Jack.”
Afterward, a bad guy lieutenant of Seagal’s finally
located and confronted Jack, forcing Jack to continue robbing so he can get a
cut. When first introducing himself… he
did so with his full name. Full
name. Why not give other personal info
so we can be clear as to who his identity?
The film was filled with narration to help
move this crud along, including a great 80’s music montage to show more
robberies taking place. My notes go on…
and on… So to follow suit, I’m going to
bullet-montage some the highlights.
-Jack says Sam’s name during a robbery.
-Jack could have just taken with his love. This is Southeast Asia. He had no ties to people or a job. Easy to disappear.
-Goes to buy guns from a man named Greedy… Greedy should have just shot Jack and kept
the money. No one would ask questions
why there was a white guy dead in a ditch.
-More montages…
-Apparently, Jack never explained to Sam who
this bad guy was, the one who has been feeding them the banks to hit and when. And, Sam never questions this… not until
after two montages.
-A parkour baddy chasing them down while
they are on their bikes after a robbery, only to die getting shot.
-Our lady-of-love suddenly reveals near the
end she knows how to use a gun.
Why? Cause the story needed her
to. Her reason, “With a body like this,
you better believe I can protect myself.”
One of the best moments was when Seagal was
mid-conversation at the start of the scene.
A goon was to interrupt him during polite lunch conversation, and we
hear about fish and how some people see them as sentient creatures… and those
people would have a problem eating them.
A true dilemma… and a well-chosen topic while having lunch with your ‘local
lady’ (probably a retained hooker, but he is saving her from a desperate life
on the streets, and for a great boob job display).
Then, as Seagal was realizing he has someone
on the inside feeding the robbers the banks to hit and when, he laid on a true piece
of art –
“I’m going to have to wait to do what I do,
just a little bit longer. Because, I
want to be sure I don’t kill anybody innocent.”
Okay, so I am dying here. To wrap this up…
Best line:
The proudest moment was when Seagal told one
of his lieutenants to “be careful” after instructing him to kill the mole. Really.
“Be careful.” This wasn’t an inadvertent
way to end the conversation. With full
pause and looking the guy in the eye, he said this.
Best special effects:
A chase scene, where the good guys needed to
get away from the bad guys. Jack shot
some gasoline 50-gallon drums that happened to be stacked by a telephone pole
next to the road. The pole falling, so
awesome. My son at 8-years-old could
have done this animation on his computer.
Best summation from narration:
After Seagal kills Jack and lets Avalon go -
Avalon said, “Compassion still lived in him,
somewhere.”
In summation, compassion would have been to
not let this film be made. Sure, there may
be a market for this material, but no.
Just, no. Maybe his friend
President Putin of Russia was behind the release.
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