'Blu-ray or Bust' - PRIDE & PREDJUDICE & ZOMBIES

'Blu-ray or Bust'

PRIDE & PREDJUDICE & ZOMBIES (2016, PG-13, 107 minutes, SONY/CROSS CREEK PICTURES)

I would like to think that if Jane Austen, the classic author of “Pride and Prejudice”, ever met writer Seth Grahame-Smith, she might embrace him, sharing a giggle with what he did to her classic characters. In 2009, Seth published a rather unique and hysterical take on her classic by keeping the drama and characters of her work, but setting it all against the backdrop of a Victorian era zombie apocalypse.

I would also like to think that if Austen ever met director Burr Steers, that she would kick him soundly in his naughty bits. Not only has he eviscerated Grahame-Smith’s take on the Austen classic, but he does so with more of a nod to the original work. At first, it is hard to pinpoint the real problem (PUN ALERT!) plaguing this film, but by the time you get to the forty minute mark, it is abundantly clear: Steers does not buy into the entire ridiculousness of the reimagining of the tale. He tries to make the entire situation more plausible, thus hindering the story itself. Where Grahame-Smith (okay, really, what dude hyphenates his name, fer cryin’ out loud…getting tired of typing all that out…) exalted in the genre mash-up (hell, the book even had ninjas in it!), Steers treats it more as an aside.

The movie isn’t horrible—it just isn’t as good as it thinks it is. There are some laugh-out-loud moments, many of which are provided by Matt Smith (“Doctor Who”). His performance as the icky Parson Collins makes the film worth the watch. He alone seems to grasp the source material’s gleeful disregard to propriety, and steals nearly every scene he is in. Honestly, I didn’t have a problem with any of the performances, just with what they were given to do. Smith is the only one having fun, and when it is that obvious, your movie is going to suffer for it.

Steer’s other problem is the film’s rating. PG-13 zombie films just aren’t that good. You expect gore, or at least a certain amount of it (whether you are looking for it or not) in any zombie film. I mean, they eat people. There’s supposed to be gore. And there is some here, but it is almost as if they were afraid to dirty the tapestries and the settees. The most obvious scene lacking the biggest potential for gore is also the one that is supposed to sell us on the bad-assery of the Bennet sisters; you can see the implied stabbings as obvious misses. I know they aren’t supposed to actually be killing each other, but you can plainly see the swords going to the sides instead of straight on. This can be blamed on the choreography and the camera work. Movies are all about misdirection, but this one takes that a little too literally.

Another issue at work is the numerous plot holes, and unfinished story lines. For as long as this film is, he could have cut a few bits out and we never would have missed them. (SPOILER ALERT: the Four Zombie Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Totally useless.) I sure hope Steer isn’t saving things for a sequel—one try is enough, thank you.

There is absolutely no need at all to purchase this film on Blu-ray. There is very little to gain from the format here; the score is passable as background noise, but it never lifts any of the scenes up, never creates tension or passion. And cinematographer Remi Adefarasin (“The Pacific”, ME BEFORE YOU) must have been phoning this one in. Some of the images he captures are well shot, but the man has a tough time switching between tea parties and zombie raids.

Hopefully, Jane Austen will come back as a zombie one day and hunt down Burr Steer. I just hope she stops herself from eating his brains—she won’t find anything tasty in there.

Grade: C- (mostly because of Matt Smith, and partly because actress Lily James is dang hot)

Special Features: C (it was a chore to watch them, after watching the film—although they were the more entertaining of the two)

Blu-ray Necessary: Oh Hell NO